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by Tre McGyver

It looks like I might’ve bitten off more than I can chew. The former HOA president, Billy Buffmeister, wasn’t doing jack squat to enforce the HOA rules. I’m thinking this just might be Mission Impossible. In the past, I got along with everyone in Valley Meadows except my next door neighbors, the Jones (I’ll have to write another story to explain that mess). Things aren’t quite the same now that I’m starting to enforce the HOA rules, but I have to do my job.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. So, I started with all the residents that needed to cut their grass. I sent letters to four residents that needed to cut their grass. Johnny Bieber was the worst offender. Johnny and his baby momma haven’t cut their grass all summer. It was literally chest high. They lost a kid a couple weeks ago for about 30 minutes; they had half the neighborhood looking for him. Well, he was just quietly playing with a truck by their mobile home, but you couldn’t see him because of the tall grass. I thought I would have to fine Johnny to get him to cut it, but he surprised me and finally cut it. He almost finished, but his mower’s motor burned up before he finished. I did a good deed, and I finished it for him.

As you know, we have a burn ban in The Valley. It’s super dry right now. Plus, it’s against the HOA rules to burn your trash. Smokey Magee thinks that doesn’t apply to him. He burns his trash 2-3 times per week. I recently approached him and told him he needs to stop burning his trash. Smokey told me to jump in a lake, and he flipped me the bird. He’ll be receiving a cease and desist letter soon.

Valley Meadows has a really nice above ground pool with a patio and gazebo. The Lewis family and their friends basically take the place over. They hog the pool, and other residents don’t get to swim. Plus, they play loud music and get rowdy. The pool is supposed to close at 9:00 pm on weekdays and 10:00 pm on Friday and Saturday. I approached Karen Lewis about them staying out there too late. It didn’t go too well. She said, “Who do you think you are? You become HOA president and you think you can tell everyone what to do. Not gonna happen.” She’ll be receiving a letter soon. The name Karen fits her well.

Folks, that’s the issues I tried to tackle this past week. It’s only going to get harder from here, but I’ll take it one issue at a time. Stay tuned to see what’s happening in Valley Meadows. It’s gonna be fun!

by Ima Phibber

Most Valleyans don’t believe in man-made climate change, and they think of climate change activists as left-wing wackos. However, 4 brave souls dared to protest against man-made climate change at the Strong River Bend (SRB) 4-way stop yesterday, and their protest didn’t go over too well. The 4 protesters are members of the South Central MS Green Alliance.

The protesters started protesting during rush hour around 7:00 am yesterday morning at the 4-way stop. They held up signs about the evils of fossil fuels and the horrors of gas stoves. The protesters picketed until around 8:30, and they felt drivers didn’t pay attention to them. They got a few honks, and a few motorists flipped them the bird. One protester said, “We didn’t feel like we accomplished much during the morning, so we decided to up the ante during the afternoon rush hour. We decided to lay down in the highway to raise awareness. We knew that was risky, but it had to be done.”

Most drivers just drove around the protesters while they laid at the intersection, and many motorists honked and yelled obscenities at the protesters. However, multiple people exited their vehicles and forcibly removed the protesters. One protester told me, “This guy grabbed me by shirt and drug me to the side of the highway, and my shirt tore. These people in The Valley are savages!” One motorist said, “These idiots gotta realize this ain’t San Francisco. I’m not gonna let these idiots hold me up from getting home. I nicely asked him to get up and move out of the way, but he refused. So, I grabbed him by his shirt and drug him out of the highway.”

Farmer “Mean” Joe Green roughed up one of the male protesters. Green was in his tractor, and he stopped in front of the protester and honked the horn. The protester refused to move, so Green got out and kicked the protester multiple times. The protester got up and called him a derogatory term, and Green punched the protester in the face. Green said, “That moron better be glad I was in a good mood today. If I would’ve been in a bad mood, I probably would’ve ran over him. I bet these morons don’t come back to SRB. I did a favor for Valleyans.” Green was charged with assault and battery, but the charges were dropped.

One protester said, “We probably won’t come back to The Valley. We felt our lives were in danger. It’s just so sad. These people just don’t care that they’re destroying the planet.”

by Ben BeEssen

Rankin County is on a heater right now. The county is growing like kudzu, and the City of Brandon is a huge part of the growth. Things are a abuzz in Brandon: new restaurants, new businesses, new neighborhoods, and more. The only negative thing about the growth and progress in downtown Brandon is the traffic. It can be a nightmare during rush hour, but that is going to change in the future.

The Central MS Transit Authority (CMTA) just announced that they will be overseeing the construction of a tunnel that will hopefully alleviate the downtown traffic issue. The tunnel will extend from Hwy. 80/Government St. (just off exit 56 on I-20) to the intersection of College St. and Hwy. 18. The tunnel will essentially bypass downtown Brandon, and hopefully alleviate the downtown traffic problem.

A CMTA spokersperson said, “We’re excited to bring this to the residents of Rankin County and Brandon. The traffic issue in downtown is only going to get worse as time goes on, so this tunnel is a good solution to solve the traffic problem. We plan to start the surveying and pre-construction work in the next month or so. The project is estimated to take around 2.5 years to complete, so this isn’t an immediate fix.”

The tunnel is estimated to cost around $750 million. So, how is the tunnel going to be paid for you might ask? A federal grant is going to cover $600 million, and the state has allocated $125 million for the project. The remaining $25 million will come from revenue bonds issued by the CMTA. Drivers will have to pay a $1 toll to enter the tunnel from both ends. CMTA will offer a “tunnel pass” for $35/month for people that use the tunnel frequently. That revenue will be used to maintain the tunnel. Any excess revenue that isn’t used for the maintenance will go to pay down the $25 million of CMTA bonds. So, the tunnel will not cost anything to the City of Brandon or Rankin County.

Brandon Mayor, Dutch Gee, is excited about the tunnel. He said, “Everyone is excited about the things going on in downtown Brandon, but traffic is a big issue. I think this tunnel will help things a great deal. Many are worried about it bypassing downtown, but I really don’t think it will hurt our downtown businesses and restaurants. I think it will actually help them, because the traffic and parking issues should be better.”

Not everyone is happy about the tunnel though. One resident said, “I have to pay a dollar every time I go through the tunnel. Are you kidding me? That is ridiculous! I’m going to avoid it based on that principal alone.”

Another resident I spoke with said, “That tunnel is going to be pretty long. How are people going to hold their breath that long? They need to think about the potential health and safety risks associated with this thing.”

Construction will begin soon, and the SRVO will keep you updated on the progress.

by “Stretch” DeTrooth

The sports scene in The Valley has been exciting this summer, and the fall may be even more exciting. The Strong River Valley Mower Racing League is going to have its inaugural race the first Saturday in September. The league will hold races the first and third Saturdays of each month during the racing season.

The league is the brainchild of Mack Speed, and the track will be on his rural property in The Valley. The track will be named The Valley Motor Speedway. Speed is somewhat of a local celebrity in The Valley. He’s been racing since he can remember; he’s raced everything from go-karts to stock cars. Many Valleyans thought Speed would be a NASCAR driver one day, but an unfortunate hog hunting accident cost him a chance at NASCAR.

Recently, Speed was watching some racing blooper videos on Youtube, and he came across some mower racing bloopers. Speed said, “That mower racing has always looked awesome to me. I had an epiphany that I needed to build a mower racetrack on my property. If you build it, they will come right?” Mack got on his tractor and started building the track that same day. It’s an 800 ft. circular dirt track. He hopes to join the U.S. Lawn Mower Racing Association and adopt their rules. There will be no grandstand or bleachers. Speed envisions everyone bringing their lawn chairs to the races.

Speed said, “I envision this being a family friendly event that people look forward to every first and third Saturday. It will hopefully be something that Valleyans can get behind and get excited about, and I hope it will draw racers and spectators from outside The Valley too. I don’t know of anything like it in our region. Who knows? I might try to make a little money too.”

Also, the SRVO will have commentary given by Speed the Monday after the races. The twice monthly commentary from Speed will be called “Mack at the Track.” Speed said, “I ain’t much of a writer, but I’ll do the best I can. Hopefully, y’all can get “Stretch”, “Bull”, or Ima to proofread my commentary.”

The league is looking for marketing partners, so call 1-800-5SR-VMRL if interested.

by I. B. Lyon

Nowadays, there are more Generale Dollars in The South and The Valley than you can shake a stick at. It seems like a new one springs up every month in and around The Valley. The company builds them in strategic rural locations, and they do a ton of business. Valleyans love them for their convenience, and many of them now even sell food and produce. Some have gotten high tech and have self-checkouts now.

Karen Cardashyan goes to the Generale Dollar fairly often, and the workers know her by name. However, Cardashyan’s visit to Generale Dollar this week was one to forget. She brought her daughter with her this visit. Karen’s daughter said, “Before Mom passed out, she couldn’t believe how clean the store was. She said there was nothing in the aisles, and the floors were even clean. She also said they even have 3 people working in the store today. The next thing I know she hit the floor.”

Cardashyan said, “I don’t remember anything about the episode. I just remember coming to with my daughter kneeling by my side talking to me. God was watching out for me, because I didn’t hit my head or hurt myself.” The ambulance was called for precautionary reasons, and the paramedics checked her out and found nothing out of the ordinary.

Cardashyan said, “I love my Generale Dollar and the employees are great, and it’s so darn convenient. But, it’s not the cleanest and most organized store in the world. I guess I was so shocked that the aisles were clear and that there were 3 employees working at the time that I blacked out. The workers got a kick out of it when I told them why I blacked out.”

Cardashyan asked me to not to disclose which Generale Dollar location she routinely visits, and we honored her wish. I love to shop at the Generale Dollar myself, and Cardashyan and I don’t want to disparage the venerable company and their employees.

by SRVO Editorial Staff

We are one week out from the primary elections here in The Valley and around the state. It’s been one heck of a political season, and it’s not over yet. As a new, burgeoning news organization we should probably stay out of politics. But, this is the most important primary election of our lives (because it’s the next election). Senate District 36 was recently moved to The Valley, and it’s going to be one of the most hotly contested primary races in The Valley and around the state.

Since this is such an important race, we felt we needed to get involved and endorse a candidate. After much debate between our editorial staff, the SRVO has decided to endorse Morrison Rhodes. We’re endorsing him because of his qualities below:

• great work ethic

• young and energetic

• political experience and connections

• agricultural background

• business owner

• conservative family ideals

• Christian values

Vote MORRISON RHODES on August 8th!

by Offe Hisczrocher

Susie Shrinkwayste has been into health and nutrition as long as she can remember. She remembers scolding her siblings for eating too much Halloween candy, and she also remembers reprimanding her parents for eating fried foods. She has always worked out and watched what she ate. After high school, Susie attended Central MS Tech, and she got a degree in health and nutrition. After graduating, she got her registered dietitian and nutritionist (RDN) certification, and she’s worked for multiple healthcare facilities in the Jackson area over the years. In addition to having her RDN certification, she is also a licensed personal trainer.

Recently, Shrinkwayste had gotten burnt out, and she’d been looking for a change of scenery. She has family in The Valley, and she visits them occasionally. Recently, they took her to a few of the local Valley restaurants. Shrinkwayste said, “These places had great food, but I noticed that some of the people in these establishments were overweight and unhealthy. I thought to myself that I can help the people of The Valley. I also noticed there was some office space available on Main St. in Valley City, so I decided to look into setting up an office in Valley City.”

Shrinkwayste found the perfect office space on Main St., and she immediately hit the ground running. The name of her business is Shrinkwayste Solutions. She’s been gaining clients in droves, and her clients love her. Susie said, “The food in The Valley is so good, but the majority of it is unhealthy. So, I have to have some difficult conversations with my clients. I limit their weekly visits to the local establishments. They can eat steak once per week, lunch buffet twice per week, one burger per week, and two deli visits per week, that’s it. Also, the ice cream shop is so darn good, but I limit my clients to only 2 visits per week. I know that’s tough, but you gotta do what you gotta do.”

Additionally, Shrinkwayste is a big proponent of exercising, so she insists that her clients walk or jog 5 days per week. Her clients have seen results, and they keep coming back for more. One client said, “Susie is great. I’ve lost 20 lbs. and my waistline has shrunk. But, she can be tough; the sprints up Main St. can be tough and a little embarrassing.”

Shrinkwayste has male and female clients, but the majority of her clients are men. It probably doesn’t hurt that Susie is 44, fit, and very attractive. One male client said, “Dude, she is hot. I’m probably going to be a longtime, loyal client. Some of my buds come see her too, and losing weight ain’t the main reason they go to her. Our wives aren’t too crazy about her.”

Mayor Ronald Bush said, “Susie has been great for Main St. and Valley City. Her business has a synergy with our restaurants. They help get her a lot of business, and she can help them with more healthy options. We’re glad to have her, and we look forward to her continuing to make an impact on the health of Valleyans.”

Shrinkwayste said, “I’m loving it here in Valley City and The Valley. I wished I’d opened up shop here years ago. I look forward to helping Valleyans for years to come. Y’all come see me on Main St.”

by Tre McGyver

Hello Valleyans! My name is Benjamin K. McGyver III, but everyone calls me Tre. I’m a lifelong Valleyan, and I live in Valley Meadows, a mobile home covenant community just outside of Valley City. I’ve lived in Valley Meadows for about 7 years, and I recently became the HOA president.

The former HOA president got a little lax on enforcing the HOA rules and regulations, so I’m trying my best to get the residents back in compliance. This means I’m loved by half the people and despised by the other half of the residents. But, I take the job seriously, and I’m going to what I have to do earn my $50 monthly salary and keep our community safe and clean.

I’m going to give y’all periodic updates on what’s going on in Valley Meadows. Y’all need to stay tuned and buckle up, because it’s going to be fun!

by “Stretch” DeTrooth

The SRB High faithful are excited about the upcoming football season, and now they have a reason to get even more excited. SRB is getting a live wolf mascot! They’ll be the only school in The Valley with a live mascot.

Principal Ryan Hollins said, “We’ve been wanting to get a live mascot for a while, and we finally found the one. We can’t wait to introduce him to the SRB fans. We’re very excited about what the wolf will add to our Friday night atmosphere.” School officials had been talking with multiple wolf sanctuaries, and they finally found “the one” at the South Central Alaska Wolf Sanctuary.

A sanctuary spokesperson said, “This is the first time we’ve adopted out a wolf to be a live mascot, and we’re thrilled to do it. We hope to do this more in the future.” SRB chose this particular wolf for multiple reasons. He has a laid back demeanor, and he’s very good with people. But, the main reason is the wolf has multiple natural maroon markings on his fur. The sanctuary spokesperson said, “This is only the 3rd wolf ever observed to have maroon markings, so it’s extremely rare.”

Principal Hollins said, “We came across multiple wolves we liked, but the maroon markings on this one did it for us. We immediately thought that this is “the one.” We’ll introduce him to the fans at Meet the Wolves Night before the season kicks off.”

Coach Jake Birdsong is going to have the responsibility of taking care of the wolf. The South Central Alaska Wolf Sanctuary agreed to pay $1,000 per year for 4 years for the care of the wolf. Also, Coach Birdsong will receive a $1,500 annual coaching supplement for the added responsibility. Birdsong said, “I’ve been taking care of him for 4 days now, and we hit it off immediately. I am looking forward to taking care of him. Right now, I just have to teach him to stop howling at 4 am. He’s been waking me and the neighbors up pretty early, but we’ll get that fixed.”

The SRB fans can’t wait to meet the wolf. It’s going to be interesting to see if other schools in The Valley try to copy SRB and get their own live mascot.

by Emma Embellischer

Smith County is renowned for their watermelons. People from across The Valley, Mississippi, and even the Southeast love some Smith County watermelons. During the summer, you can always get a fresh Smith Co. watermelon from multiple people selling them out of the beds of their trucks on Hwy. 49 and other spots in The Valley.

Johnny Waterseed has been pedaling Smith Co. watermelons and other produce on Hwy. 49 for years. He is a founding member of the Hwy. 49 Produce Salesmen Union. Waterseed has developed relationships with his fellow union members over the years, and they all get along well. However, Waterseed and some of the other watermelon salesmen have noticed some newcomers along Hwy. 49 this summer. Waterseed hasn’t had a good feeling about these new guys. He said, “Something is off with these guys. We’ve been running 49 for years, and they think they can come in and take business from us? I thought they were shysters from the get go.”

The new kids on the watermelon block were undercutting Waterseed and his cohorts on price. They were advertising the melons as Smith Co. watermelons too. Waterseed suspected they were not actually Smith Co. melons. Waterseed got his son to buy a melon from one of the newcomers to do a taste test. Waterseed said, “I know how a Smith Co. watermelon tastes, and this melon was not from Smith Co. I was 100% sure.”

Waterseed wasn’t going to let these watermelon shysters get away with false advertisement. He paid his son to follow one of the newcomers home one day; his son then followed the man the next morning. Waterseed was correct. The man was buying watermelons in Louisiana, and then driving back to Hwy. 49 to sell them. Waterseed paid his son to repeat the process with another newcomer, and that salesman was doing the same thing. His son took multiples photos and videos of the men.

Waterseed contacted the Central MS Ag Crime Task Force about the false advertisement of his new competitors. Special Agent Peter Sellers took the case. He repeated the same process as Waterseed’s son, and he also took photos of the melon salesmen. Agent Sellers then questioned the two men, and the two men confessed to false advertisement. They also told agent Sellers 3 more men were in the new watermelon syndicate, and Sellers also got these 3 men to come clean also. The 5 newcomers were fined $250 each, and they all agreed to cease and desist selling watermelons on Hwy. 49. Sellers said, “We take fruit and vegetable false advertisement very seriously. I’ve worked on some pretty sophisticated food cases over the years, but this was not one. These guys were morons. This was my easiest investigation ever.”

Waterseed was pleased with the outcome of the investigation. “Us 49 watermelon salesmen are a brotherhood, and we’re not gonna let shysters take business from us. They’re lucky we contacted law enforcement; it wouldn’t have been good if we would’ve told the union bosses about this.”

Waterseed has had a great summer so far. He’s been selling out almost daily. I asked Waterseed to disclose his financials, but he declined to do so. He said, “The bottom line is the bottom line though, because Uncle Sam and the state ain’t getting jack.”