Archives February 2024

by Ima Phibber

First Baptist Church of Strong River Bend (FBCSRB) has been growing the past few years. Many churches saw attendance decline during covid, and the numbers have stayed down for many. But, FBCSRB was able to avoid that, and they are thriving now. The main reason the church is growing is that the town of Strong River Bend is growing. People love the small town feel and the good school, and that has attracted quite a few people from outside The Valley to SRB.

The growth has created a few issues at FBCSRB. One of the issues is that newer members are sitting in older members’ seats. Evidently, a lot of the new young members don’t know that many senior citizen Southern Baptists have unofficial assigned seats. SRB’s pastor, Benny Osteen, started noticing that his congregation was becoming segregated between newer members and older members during Sunday services.

Bro. Osteen said, “I didn’t like how our congregation was basically segregated during our services. I started asking around to see what was going on. I talked to some older members, and I talked to some newer members. I didn’t like what I discovered. A couple of our newer members spilled the beans. Four of our older ladies had created what they called the Pew Police.” Osteen had a hunch who the ladies were, and he talked with all four. He told them that had to disband, and they needed to be more welcoming. He also told them they needed to apologize to some newer members that they’ve offended.

Bro. Osteen said, “Thinking back, I remember one or two of those ladies wore navy blue every Sunday, and I noticed they walked around the sanctuary before our services.” He laughed and said, “I guess they were patrolling before the services making sure the older members’ pews were not occupied. These ladies are so sweet, but I guess they just couldn’t take these newcomers sitting in their seats.”

I was able to interview one of the Pew Police officers, and she wanted to remain anonymous. She said, “I’ve been a member of FBCSRB for 50 years, and my husband and I have always sat in the same pew. I’m all for having new people join our church, but I don’t like them sitting in my pew. I know we shouldn’t have formed the Pew Police, but we got a little carried away. I bet we were the only all female police force in America. We have a young couple sitting on our pew now, and we really like them since we’ve gotten to know them.”

I was also able to talk with a couple newer members. One said, “We joined FBCSRB because we really liked Bro. Osteen, the contemporary music, the coffee bar, and the fact that the church was growing. It felt pretty welcoming. But, more and more people started joining, and I started noticing some of the older ladies weren’t so warm to us newcomers. One Sunday morning, I watched this older lady enter the sanctuary, and she was talking to her friends. She seemed very happy and in a good mood. But, her demeanor changed big time when she approached our pew, and she gave us the meanest look. I realized we were in her pew, and we made a mental note not to sit there again. It’s hilarious now to realize some of those sweet old ladies formed a Pew Police.”

I hope your church doesn’t have a Pew Police. We all need to smile and welcome people to our churches. How about this? You older people should sit by some young people you don’t know this Sunday, and you younger people should sit by some older people you don’t know this Sunday. Talk to them and get to know them. This would help our churches a great deal.

by B. S. Ryter

The members of The Valley Elks Lodge have noticed recently that they have a lot of senior single members. With Valentine’s Day approaching, they wanted to create a way for the singles, divorcees, and widows/widowers to mingle and have a good time. So, they decided to host a 65+ singles dance. The dance was last night at the Lodge, and attendees had to show their Medicare card in order to enter.

The dance was well attended; organizers estimate that they had around 80 attendees. The organizers had multiple planned dances and contests. There was a Griddy dance off for the men, and there was a limbo competition for the women. There was also a salsa dance contest for women/men pairs or couples. There was an open bar and plenty of hor d’oeurvres for the attendees, and the Valentine’s decorations were very nice. The festivities started at 6:00 pm and was scheduled to end at 9:00 pm, and a 10 minute break was scheduled for the attendees to take their meds.

Things were going well until Al Fugaysi tried to enter using a friend’s Medicare card. Al caused a scene because the bouncer wouldn’t let him in. One attendee said, “Al is not the brightest crayon in the box. He shows up in disguise with someone else’s Medicare card, a fake mustache, and sunglasses. When using someone else’s card, you gotta make sure the bouncer doesn’t know that person. He tried to use the bouncer’s cousin’s card. Al is like 57, so he was too young to attend. I guess he was looking for a cougar with a lot of money. What a moron!”

Inside, the attendees were having a good time dancing and mingling. The first contest was a Griddy contest for the men. It got whittled down to the final two- Billy Dance and Don Shuffler. Dance went first, and the crowd went wild. Shuffler went last, and 10 seconds in he fell and hit the back of his head on the floor and opened up a nasty gash. One female attendee said, “He obviously had gotten tired, and he tripped over his feet. He’s a little portly and was breathing heavily, so he probably over did it. He ended up being ok, but it was pretty embarrassing for him.”

The limbo competition for the women was pretty intense. The ladies were very competitive, and they all wanted to win. Of course, all the gentlemen stopped what they were doing to watch the ladies. It came down to Karen Ghetlow and Joyce Llowbar. Llowbar went first and barely made it. Ghetlow went next, and it looked like she was about to make it, but her wig fell off and she knocked the bar down. One male attendee said, “I knew she was wearing a wig! I told a couple buddies that she was wearing one, but they said I was crazy. I feel sorry for her. I doubt she’ll ever show her face again at the Lodge.”

As the dance was coming to an end, there was a kerfuffle between two gentlemen. Evidently, both men wanted to escort Elizabeth Taylor Monroe to her vehicle. Monroe is a well-known wealthy socialite in the The Valley. In her younger years, she actually won the Ms. Valley Beauty Pageant. Monroe’s friend said, “Both of those old farts had been vying for her attention all night, and they both wanted to walk her to her car. They started arguing and cussing, and they were nose to nose before we all knew it. Liz lead them on all night, but she has no interest in either one. She’s been married 5 times, and she told me it ain’t happening again. I guess she still likes to flirt, and those guys were eating it up.” Luckily, the confrontation didn’t turn physical, and neither actually escorted her to her vehicle.

Until next year Valleyans!

by Ben BeEssen

In recent years, more and more families are starting to be homesteaders. Families are wanting to be self-sufficient for many reasons. Some families fear the Apocalypse is fast approaching, some just want to eat healthier, and some just want to save money. One facet of this movement is that more women are baking their own bread. If you get on Facebook or Instagram, you’ll see multiple women of The Valley posting their photos of their homemade bread.

Jane Sauwerdoe has been baking her own bread for years. She has taught many women in The Valley how to make their own bread. Recently, Jane was encouraged to form some type of group to share ideas about bread baking with others. So, she formed The Valley Bread Bakers Guild. The Guild’s mission is to support and promote artisan bread baking in The Valley through education, training, and community building.

Sauwerdoe will hold monthly workshops on bread baking. She’ll also hold all-day bread camps each quarter. The Guild will offer more perks for its members as well. The annual membership dues are $100 for individuals and $150 for companies and organizations. Sauwerdoe said, “I’m so excited about the Guild, and what it’s going to provide for my members. I’ve always loved to teach about bread baking, and this will give me an even bigger platform to share and teach.”

I talked to a couple of Sauwerdoe’s followers, and they are excited. Susan Pumpernickle said, “I can’t wait to join the Guild and attend the monthly meetings. I’ve always heard about the famous Sauwerdoe’s sourdough, and now I’ll be able to learn how to make it from Jane.” Debbie Wrye said, “I’m so excited about this awesome community. We’re hardcore homesteaders, but the only thing I haven’t done is bread baking. You can’t call yourself a homesteader unless you bake your own bread right? My husband is pushing me hard to join; he’s tired of eating that Sara Lee bread full of preservatives. $100 is a little steep though. I feel like Jane should give a discount to homesteaders.”

Sauwerdoe has already had about 250 people join the Guild. Their first meeting is this Saturday at 9:00 am. In addition to bread baking basics, Sauwerdoe will host a chicken expert that will talk about raising chickens, egg laying, and building chicken coups. Valleyans, expect to see more of those bread baking photos on social media for a long time to come!

by Heeza de Seaver

Groundhog Day has become an American tradition, and it’s something fun that we look forward to each year. Annually on Feb. 2nd, thousands of people from around the world gather in Punxsutawney, PA at Gobbler’s Knob to see if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow. If he sees his shadow, that supposedly means there will six more weeks of winter. If he doesn’t see his shadow, spring will arrive early.

Some residents of The Valley have decided to create a similar “holiday.” But, it’s going to be a little different than Groundhog Day. It’s going to be called Armadillo Day, and the armadillo is named Valley Vic. Valley Vic is a rescue armadillo that was hit on Hwy. 13, and he was rehabilitated. However, he still walks with a limp. The ceremony will be held each year at Buck Bend on the Strong River. The verdict will be the same though. If Valley Vic comes out of his burrow and sees his shadow, there will be 6 more weeks of winter. If he doesn’t see his shadow, we’ll be wearing shorts by March 1st.

The organizers of this “holiday” have formed The Valley Armadillo Club to plan and organize the event each year. The event will be held on Feb. 2nd each year like Groundhog Day. Buck Bend Resort on the Strong River will host the event annually. Graye Hardshelle is the president of the Armadillo Club, and he’s very excited about the new holiday.

Hardshelle said, “I’ve had a vision about creating this event for a while now. Why can’t The Valley have a neat annual experience like the folks in Punxsutawney, PA? We don’t have groundhogs in The Valley, but we have armadillos and they burrow like groundhogs. So, let’s do an Armadillo Day! I will have to admit that groundhogs are much cuter than armadillos though. Over time, hopefully we can build it up to be a big regional event each year.”

Hardshelle wants the event to be like a fair or festival. They’ll have vendors selling food, nic nacs, and more. Armadillo Day and Valley Vic souvenirs will be sold as well. There will also be games for the kids, and there will be live music as well.

However, some aspects of Armadillo Day will be different from Groundhog Day. Hardshelle said, “On Groundhog Day, you see the guy in the suit and top hat holding up Punxsutawney Phil, and the crowd goes wild. Myself or no one else will be holding Valley Vic, because he’s dirty and we don’t want to get leprosy. Also, we’re not real sure how we’re going to get Valley Vic out of his burrow. He has good days and bad days. If he doesn’t want to come out, you ain’t getting him out of his burrow. He digs those claws in, and he won’t budge. So, y’all keep your fingers crossed that he’ll wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow.”

The organizers are expecting a big crowd tomorrow at Buck Bend. The event begins at sunrise with the ceremony to see if Valley Vic sees his shadow. Vendors will be cooking breakfast food for the attendees. Organizers expect things to really pick up in the afternoon as kids get out of school. Live music will start at 6:00 pm, and they’ll have multiple bands perform. The event ends at 10:00 pm. See you tomorrow Valleyans at the inaugural Armadillo Day!