Archives July 2023

by Offe Hisczrocher

Susie Shrinkwayste has been into health and nutrition as long as she can remember. She remembers scolding her siblings for eating too much Halloween candy, and she also remembers reprimanding her parents for eating fried foods. She has always worked out and watched what she ate. After high school, Susie attended Central MS Tech, and she got a degree in health and nutrition. After graduating, she got her registered dietitian and nutritionist (RDN) certification, and she’s worked for multiple healthcare facilities in the Jackson area over the years. In addition to having her RDN certification, she is also a licensed personal trainer.

Recently, Shrinkwayste had gotten burnt out, and she’d been looking for a change of scenery. She has family in The Valley, and she visits them occasionally. Recently, they took her to a few of the local Valley restaurants. Shrinkwayste said, “These places had great food, but I noticed that some of the people in these establishments were overweight and unhealthy. I thought to myself that I can help the people of The Valley. I also noticed there was some office space available on Main St. in Valley City, so I decided to look into setting up an office in Valley City.”

Shrinkwayste found the perfect office space on Main St., and she immediately hit the ground running. The name of her business is Shrinkwayste Solutions. She’s been gaining clients in droves, and her clients love her. Susie said, “The food in The Valley is so good, but the majority of it is unhealthy. So, I have to have some difficult conversations with my clients. I limit their weekly visits to the local establishments. They can eat steak once per week, lunch buffet twice per week, one burger per week, and two deli visits per week, that’s it. Also, the ice cream shop is so darn good, but I limit my clients to only 2 visits per week. I know that’s tough, but you gotta do what you gotta do.”

Additionally, Shrinkwayste is a big proponent of exercising, so she insists that her clients walk or jog 5 days per week. Her clients have seen results, and they keep coming back for more. One client said, “Susie is great. I’ve lost 20 lbs. and my waistline has shrunk. But, she can be tough; the sprints up Main St. can be tough and a little embarrassing.”

Shrinkwayste has male and female clients, but the majority of her clients are men. It probably doesn’t hurt that Susie is 44, fit, and very attractive. One male client said, “Dude, she is hot. I’m probably going to be a longtime, loyal client. Some of my buds come see her too, and losing weight ain’t the main reason they go to her. Our wives aren’t too crazy about her.”

Mayor Ronald Bush said, “Susie has been great for Main St. and Valley City. Her business has a synergy with our restaurants. They help get her a lot of business, and she can help them with more healthy options. We’re glad to have her, and we look forward to her continuing to make an impact on the health of Valleyans.”

Shrinkwayste said, “I’m loving it here in Valley City and The Valley. I wished I’d opened up shop here years ago. I look forward to helping Valleyans for years to come. Y’all come see me on Main St.”

by Tre McGyver

Hello Valleyans! My name is Benjamin K. McGyver III, but everyone calls me Tre. I’m a lifelong Valleyan, and I live in Valley Meadows, a mobile home covenant community just outside of Valley City. I’ve lived in Valley Meadows for about 7 years, and I recently became the HOA president.

The former HOA president got a little lax on enforcing the HOA rules and regulations, so I’m trying my best to get the residents back in compliance. This means I’m loved by half the people and despised by the other half of the residents. But, I take the job seriously, and I’m going to what I have to do earn my $50 monthly salary and keep our community safe and clean.

I’m going to give y’all periodic updates on what’s going on in Valley Meadows. Y’all need to stay tuned and buckle up, because it’s going to be fun!

by “Stretch” DeTrooth

The SRB High faithful are excited about the upcoming football season, and now they have a reason to get even more excited. SRB is getting a live wolf mascot! They’ll be the only school in The Valley with a live mascot.

Principal Ryan Hollins said, “We’ve been wanting to get a live mascot for a while, and we finally found the one. We can’t wait to introduce him to the SRB fans. We’re very excited about what the wolf will add to our Friday night atmosphere.” School officials had been talking with multiple wolf sanctuaries, and they finally found “the one” at the South Central Alaska Wolf Sanctuary.

A sanctuary spokesperson said, “This is the first time we’ve adopted out a wolf to be a live mascot, and we’re thrilled to do it. We hope to do this more in the future.” SRB chose this particular wolf for multiple reasons. He has a laid back demeanor, and he’s very good with people. But, the main reason is the wolf has multiple natural maroon markings on his fur. The sanctuary spokesperson said, “This is only the 3rd wolf ever observed to have maroon markings, so it’s extremely rare.”

Principal Hollins said, “We came across multiple wolves we liked, but the maroon markings on this one did it for us. We immediately thought that this is “the one.” We’ll introduce him to the fans at Meet the Wolves Night before the season kicks off.”

Coach Jake Birdsong is going to have the responsibility of taking care of the wolf. The South Central Alaska Wolf Sanctuary agreed to pay $1,000 per year for 4 years for the care of the wolf. Also, Coach Birdsong will receive a $1,500 annual coaching supplement for the added responsibility. Birdsong said, “I’ve been taking care of him for 4 days now, and we hit it off immediately. I am looking forward to taking care of him. Right now, I just have to teach him to stop howling at 4 am. He’s been waking me and the neighbors up pretty early, but we’ll get that fixed.”

The SRB fans can’t wait to meet the wolf. It’s going to be interesting to see if other schools in The Valley try to copy SRB and get their own live mascot.

by Emma Embellischer

Smith County is renowned for their watermelons. People from across The Valley, Mississippi, and even the Southeast love some Smith County watermelons. During the summer, you can always get a fresh Smith Co. watermelon from multiple people selling them out of the beds of their trucks on Hwy. 49 and other spots in The Valley.

Johnny Waterseed has been pedaling Smith Co. watermelons and other produce on Hwy. 49 for years. He is a founding member of the Hwy. 49 Produce Salesmen Union. Waterseed has developed relationships with his fellow union members over the years, and they all get along well. However, Waterseed and some of the other watermelon salesmen have noticed some newcomers along Hwy. 49 this summer. Waterseed hasn’t had a good feeling about these new guys. He said, “Something is off with these guys. We’ve been running 49 for years, and they think they can come in and take business from us? I thought they were shysters from the get go.”

The new kids on the watermelon block were undercutting Waterseed and his cohorts on price. They were advertising the melons as Smith Co. watermelons too. Waterseed suspected they were not actually Smith Co. melons. Waterseed got his son to buy a melon from one of the newcomers to do a taste test. Waterseed said, “I know how a Smith Co. watermelon tastes, and this melon was not from Smith Co. I was 100% sure.”

Waterseed wasn’t going to let these watermelon shysters get away with false advertisement. He paid his son to follow one of the newcomers home one day; his son then followed the man the next morning. Waterseed was correct. The man was buying watermelons in Louisiana, and then driving back to Hwy. 49 to sell them. Waterseed paid his son to repeat the process with another newcomer, and that salesman was doing the same thing. His son took multiples photos and videos of the men.

Waterseed contacted the Central MS Ag Crime Task Force about the false advertisement of his new competitors. Special Agent Peter Sellers took the case. He repeated the same process as Waterseed’s son, and he also took photos of the melon salesmen. Agent Sellers then questioned the two men, and the two men confessed to false advertisement. They also told agent Sellers 3 more men were in the new watermelon syndicate, and Sellers also got these 3 men to come clean also. The 5 newcomers were fined $250 each, and they all agreed to cease and desist selling watermelons on Hwy. 49. Sellers said, “We take fruit and vegetable false advertisement very seriously. I’ve worked on some pretty sophisticated food cases over the years, but this was not one. These guys were morons. This was my easiest investigation ever.”

Waterseed was pleased with the outcome of the investigation. “Us 49 watermelon salesmen are a brotherhood, and we’re not gonna let shysters take business from us. They’re lucky we contacted law enforcement; it wouldn’t have been good if we would’ve told the union bosses about this.”

Waterseed has had a great summer so far. He’s been selling out almost daily. I asked Waterseed to disclose his financials, but he declined to do so. He said, “The bottom line is the bottom line though, because Uncle Sam and the state ain’t getting jack.”

by Emma Embellischer

Electric vehicles (EVs) are becoming more popular across the country. Tesla is the leading EV maker in the U.S., but other vehicle manufacturers are making headway in the market. Right now, less than 1% of vehicles in The Valley are EVs, but that number will surely grow over time. EV owners in The Valley got great news this week as a new, state-of-the-art EV charging station is being built in the Leaning Pine community.

E.T. Shockley has been a Tesla owner for 5 years now, and he loves his Tesla. Shockley said, “I was the first person in our area to get a Tesla, and people thought I was crazy. Most still think I’m crazy, but that’s ok. A big problem for us EV owners is a lack of charging stations in rural areas. I decided to change that.” Shockley lives on Hwy. 81 in Leaning Pine in southwest Smith County. His charging station will have 7 charging ports that will fit all EVs.

Shockley said, “EV adoption is going to be slow in The Valley. These people love their gas guzzling trucks and SUVs, and EV owners have a certain stigma. But, I’m doing my part to save our planet. If you build it, they will come right? My goal is to have a mini Buc-ee’s for EV owners.”

Shockley’s facility is going to have a plethora of amenities in addition to the charging station. He’s going to have a coffee shop and restaurant. His signature dishes are going to be the avocado toast and tofu. It will also have a very nice lounge area with televisions and free wifi similar to an airport, and Shockley hopes this will be a magnet for area freelance artists and writers. It will also have a play area for kids.

I talked to a few Leaning Pine residents about the facility. One resident said, “E.T. is full of crap, and he’s wasting his money. Nobody around here drives a stupid EV.” Another area resident said, “I won’t be using his charging station, but I might try the avocado toast. I’ll have to get it to go though; I don’t want any of my buddies seeing me eat it.”

Shockley plans to start construction in the next few weeks. The facility will bring around 10 jobs to the area, and Shockley is excited about that. He said, “I’m glad to bring jobs to The Valley, and I’m glad to do my part to save the planet.” We’ll keep you updated on the facility’s progress in the coming months.