Category Uncategorized

by Offe Hisczrocher

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. The lights, the music, the food, the gifts; I could go on and on. The Christmas office party has become something that most look forward to this time of year as well. Everyone brings their spouse, and everyone enjoys a good festive meal. There may or may not be a little alcohol involved, and everyone has a great time.

As you know, The Valley Chronicle is our competitor, and we’ve developed quite a rivalry. We don’t like them, and they don’t like us. Let’s be honest, they’re jealous of us. They’ve been the only game in town for 75 plus years, and they don’t like that we’ve come on the seen and upset the apple cart. The Chronicle is known to go all out for their Christmas party, and this year was no different. They had a fine catered meal with a full bar; it was super nice. In case you’re wondering, I have a lady friend at the Chronicle that feeds me info. Everything was wonderful until they started playing Dirty Santa.

Johnny Crunk is the longtime President of The Valley Chronicle, and his wife is Karen Crunk. She is a well known socialite in The Valley, and she never misses a good party. So, the meal was over, and they started playing Dirty Santa. Everyone was having a great time until Susie Steele stole Karen’s gift. My source said that Karen had had a little too much egg nog, and she was in great spirits until her gift was stolen. Susie told my source, “Hey! Watch this!” Evidently Susie knew that it might set Karen off, and it definitely did.

Karen’s facial expression and disposition instantly changed. She said, “I can’t believe that heifer took my gift.” Susie heard her, and that set her off. Susie said, “Yeah, I took your gift. What you gonna do about it? This is Dirty Santa you know.” Evidently, these two ladies don’t like each other, and they recently had a verbal altercation at another party. Before anyone could blink, the two middle aged women were face to face yelling at each other. Let’s just say you couldn’t use the words they were using in Sunday school. It all came to a head when Karen put her finger in Susie’s face. Susie pushed Karen, and then it was on like Donkey Kong. They were going at it! Hair was pulled, clothes almost came off, and both ended up on the floor rolling around. I do have video of the altercation, but I want to continue to live, so I won’t be releasing it.

After a few moments, the scuffle was broken up. But, the police were called, and the party came to an abrupt halt. No charges were filed, but it was a big embarrassment for the Chronicle and the Crunk family. And, now everyone in The Valley and the world gets to hear about it! If you haven’t already, you need to ditch your Chronicle subscription, and get your news from the SRVO!

Valleyans, don’t be a Karen or Susie this Christmas season. We have so much to be joyful and thankful for this Christmas season. Lay off the egg nog at your office Christmas party. And, remember that Jesus is the reason for the season!

MERRY CHRISTMAS Valleyans!

by Ima Phibber

Live nativity scenes are not common these days, but Six Town Hollow Baptist Church still does one every year. Six Town has been doing their live nativity scene for around 100 years, and most families have been involved for generations. They do it nightly during the second week of December each year. Six Town goes all out each year, and Valleyans and people from outside The Valley come see it year after year.

The nativity scene hasn’t missed a year since they started it in 1925; even covid couldn’t stop it. It was interesting to see the characters with masks, but they kept it going. They’re always there on the 2nd week of December, rain or shine. Unfortunately, they had to shut it down after 2 nights this year.

Let’s just say, what could go wrong, went wrong. First, Baby Jesus came down with hand, foot, and mouth, and he passed it on to 3 other kids that were involved. Also, Mary got it, and it was rough on her. So, they had to find fill ins for all these people, and they ended up using a baby doll as Jesus for the first time ever. Next, Ms. Josephine Ramm accidentally drove her car into one of the props and destroyed it on the first night. She accidentally hit the gas instead of the brake, and luckily she didn’t hit a person or animal in the nativity scene. Ms. Ramm couldn’t be reached for comment, but everyone said she felt horrible for what happened.

On the second night, they had issues with the animals. The donkey named Balaam kicked two different adults involved with the program. One was ok, but the other has a hairline fracture in their shin. One actor said, “I guess Balaam decided to talk with his legs. He is a mean thing. We gotta find a new donkey next year.” Next, one of the male goats got loose, and he climbed up on the Hill’s car and caused some damage to the hood. After they got him off, he rammed the side of their vehicle and caused more damage.

As the second night was winding down, Ms. Karene Downs drove her car off in the ditch as she was leaving. A tow truck had to be called to get her out, and that caused all the cars to be stuck in line for about 40 minutes. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Bro. Moses Joseph, the pastor of Six Town Hollow Baptist, said, “We had to shut it down. We didn’t want to do it, but we felt it was necessary. We were going to be running low on actors; a couple of actors had also gotten the flu. I know Valleyans are disappointed, and we are disappointed too. But, we’ll do it again next year, and it’ll be better than ever. We’re not gonna let Satan shut it down for good. People need to realize Satan is real, and he’s going to get after you sometimes. We just have to put our faith in God, and realize that he’s gonna get us through it. A great verse of scripture for this is John 16:33. God is good!”

MERRY CHRISTMAS Valleyans!!!

by Emma Embellischer

Riviera Cosmetic and Plastic Surgery Group out of Madison has decided to open a clinic in Valley City. In our self absorbed, glitz and glam, social media loving world, people have become obsessed about their outer appearances. Business has been booming for Riviera, and they have been looking to expand recently. They looked at their patient database, and they realized they had a large number of patients that live in The Valley. So, it made sense to put a clinic in The Valley to better serve their patients.

The clinic will be on Main St. in Valley City in the downtown medical complex. Initially, the clinic will be open 3 days a week: Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Riviera’s Marketing Director, Brittney Kardashian, shared their excitement about the new clinic. She said, “We are super excited about our new clinic in The Valley. We serve a ton of patients in The Valley, and they no longer have to drive all the way to Madison. We hope to attract new patients from The Valley as well.”

The clinic will provide parking behind the building so patients don’t have to park on Main St. and be seen entering and exiting the clinic. The clinic also promises patients that they won’t be seen by other patients while inside the clinic. Kardashian said, “Generally, our patients don’t want others to know they’ve had procedures, and we do all we can to make that happen. We’ve found this is especially true of female Valleyans; they don’t want others to know they’ve had work done.”

The new Riviera clinic will also offer a couple procedures for men- hair transplants and neck lifts. Kardashian said, “We’re thrilled to offer procedures for the men of The Valley. We’ve talked to multiple men that wanted to remain anonymous, but they’re looking forward to getting hair transplants.”

The new clinic will offer multiple Christmas specials to new Valley patients including 25% off botox, facelifts, and chemical peels. Kardashian said, “Men of the Valley, give your women the gift of cosmetic or plastic surgery this year! We have some great deals!” They also plan to offer tummy tuck specials for Mother’s Day and hair transplant specials for Father’s Day next year. Additionally, they will offer buy now, pay later options, so most Valleyans will be able to afford their procedures.

Most Valleyans I talked with are excited about the new clinic. One female said, “I’ve already told my husband what to get me for Christmas- botox and it’s 25% off! I’m thrilled, and he’s thrilled because he doesn’t have to pick out a gift for me this year. He really sucks at that.” A middle aged male said, “I’m getting myself a neck lift for Christmas this year. I’m a MSU bulldog fan, but I won’t actually look like a bulldog anymore. I’m pumped!”

The clinic is already open, and they’re seeing a lot of new patients. The Christmas specials have been a huge boon for business. But, time will tell if the early success will be sustainable.

by B. S. Ryter

Strong River Bend (SRB) announced at their recent board meeting that they will be installing traffic cameras to assist the SRB Police Department (SRBPD) with dealing with traffic violations. SRB has a busy 4-way stop with hundreds of drivers passing through daily. SRBPD does a good job with the few resources that they have, but these cameras will be a big asset for the department.

Police chief, Andy Fife, is excited about the cameras. He said, “We do the best we can keeping SRB a safe place, but it’s not easy. We do a lot of roadblocks to catch DUIs and drivers with no license or expired licenses, and we give a lot of tickets for tag lights, headlights, and taillights being out. But, we don’t write many tickets for drivers that fail to stop at the 4-way; that will change with the new traffic cameras. You better make sure you stop at the SRB 4-way!”

The new traffic cameras will be fixated on the 4-way stop exclusively. SRB is not disclosing the location of the cameras for fear that residents will try to destroy the cameras. SRB felt like they were missing out on a lot of revenue by not writing more tickets at the 4-way, and the cameras should help alleviate that issue and increase revenue to the town. SRB Mayor Gus Easyspirit said, “We think these cameras will make SRB a safer place, and they will be a major revenue generator for our town. We’re excited the impact they’re going to have on our annual budget.”

The high resolution cameras will read the tags of drivers that come through the 4-way. Drivers that fail to stop will be mailed a ticket based on their tag info. SRBPD simply has to sit back and collect that revenue. Chief Fife said, “Tickets for failure to stop at the 4-way will be $75. These cameras will free up time for our officers to patrol and make our town safer.”

Many SRB and Valley residents are not happy about the cameras. One resident said, “This is crazy! How much did the cameras cost? They didn’t disclose that. I guess I’ll avoid the 4-way from now on, but if I do come through there, I’ll probably flip the cameras off.” Another resident said, “What are the police officers going to do now? Sit in their patrol cars and play Words with Friends, CandyCrush, or scroll through Facebook all the time? This is outrageous, and it violates my right to a rolling stop! I’m going to find these cameras and either shoot them or cut the cords. Bet!”

The cameras will be installed in the next few weeks. Most SRB residents aren’t happy about it, but they do realize it should help the town’s budget. We’ll check back a year from now to see how they impacted SRB’s budget.

by Ben BeEssen

Valley City is undergoing a street paving project right now, and most of the town’s streets have been repaved. The residents are very happy about the upgrades. But, the project on Mendenhall Blvd. has been halted, because the work crew uncovered some artifacts under the street.

Part of Mendenhall Blvd. adjacent to Simpson St. had to be excavated, and the dirt had to be replaced. While the crew was working, they uncovered a treasure trove of old artifacts. The artifacts include gold coins, gold trinkets, gold jewelry and more. Valley City authorities immediately called the MS Archaeological Society to assess the situation, and the paving project was halted. The area was cordoned off, and law enforcement officers are now stationed there 24/7.

The archaeology project is headed by Jones Indiana. Indiana has a ton of experience will archaeological projects all across Mississippi. I was able to spend some time with Indiana at the site. He said, “This is a huge deal, and we are super excited about this project. This is one of the most significant discoveries in MS in a long time. Initially, we thought it might have been from the famous Spanish explorer Hernando de Soto and his crew that traveled across MS and the Southeast. But, after a few days of work, we realized that it was not from de Soto and his men.”

Indiana and his crew are almost certain now that these artifacts are from a lesser known Spanish explorer, Pedro de Soto. Pedro was the younger brother of Hernando de Soto. He and his crew explored some of modern day Mexico, and afterwards they sailed to the Gulf Coast and landed close to modern day Biloxi. They arrived about 5 years after Hernando and his crew had explored MS, and they traveled a straight route that would’ve mirrored the current Hwy. 49 layout. Indiana said, “We think Pedro and his men may have traded the gold for food and other goods in the Valley City area with the Six Town Indians.” Pedro and his men are believed to have spent a few weeks living and trading with the Six Towns in the current day Valley City area. Hernando de Soto was the first European to see the MS River, but his brother, Pedro, was the first European to see the Strong River.

Indiana doesn’t know how long this archaeological project will take, but he thinks it will be a minimum of 3 months. Some Valley City residents are not happy about that. Local resident Bubba Diggs said, “Look, they need to dig that crap up and move on. Nobody had ever heard of freakin Pedro de Soto, so no one gives a crap. I don’t like having to drive 1/4 mile out of the way to get to my house. Let’s get this crap over with asap.”

This has brought Valley City and The Valley a lot of publicity, and Indiana thinks there will some type of monument to commemorate this finding in the future that will attract tourists. Despite the publicity, area residents are ready for the project to be completed. They just want their streets to be paved and to get on with life.

by Carl “Bull” Crapper

The drought this year has been extreme. Many Valleyans have said this is the worst drought they can remember. Many farmers are hurting, and the winter is going to be a tough one. It looks like we still have a good bit of misery to go. However, one local business has turned the drought into an opportunity.

Bubba’s Excavation and Well Services, Inc. is killing it right now. Bubba Diggs has owned Bubba’s Excavation and Well Services, Inc. for 20 years, and his business has struggled the past few years. But, Bubba saw an opportunity with the current drought. Bubba, along with many Valleyans, loves to hunt deer. Diggs said, “These deer are looking for water because of the drought, and a light went off in my head. I could build a small pond and dig a well nearby to fill the pond with water, and that would attract deer. I did it for me, and it was an easy job. So, I figured that people would pay me to do it, and I was right!”

Diggs has been swamped with business for the past couple months. Valleyan hunters have been calling Bubba left and right. Diggs can normally do two jobs in a day, and he’s been working 7 days a week. One customer said, “Bubba saved the day! We didn’t know what we were going to do. Now, we’re just gonna sit on our back porch and pick em off by the “pond”. It’s gonna be like shooting fish in a barrel baby!”

Diggs has been able to buy a new bulldozer because of his recent success, and he plans to hire someone to double his business. Diggs also said, “I’m thinking about getting into the taxidermy and deer processing businesses too. Why not? I need to get my business fully vertically integrated, so I can serve all the needs of Valleyan hunters. Maybe, I should sell guns too?”

In addition to building a small pond and digging a well, Diggs will come back after deer season and fill the pond back in like it was never there. They are a full service excavation and well services company. It’s always good to see Valley businesses flourish, and you can always depend on good ole Valleyan ingenuity to save the day.

by Offe Hisczrocher

Fashion is fun and interesting, and it’s always changing. What’s popular this season probably won’t be popular next season. What was popular 15-20 years ago will again be popular one day. Some fashion items from the past were hideous, but what was hideous will be cool at some point. Nowadays, the ladies like showing their skin: short shorts, crop tops, dresses with super high slits, etc. Even the guys like showing off their legs; the shorter the shorts, the more popular they are.

Valley City has had enough of the current fashion trends. At recent board meetings, older residents have been complaining about girls showing too much skin, and one man has even complained about the boys shorts being too short. Older Valley City residents have had enough, so the board of aldermen felt compelled to act. They recently passed an ordinance forbidding certain clothing items. Many Valleyans are calling it the Dress Code.

To summarize, the ordinance outlaws shorts that show buttock skin, crop tops that show midriff skin, skirts that are 10 inches or more above the knee, and dresses with slits 10 inches or more above the knee. The ordinance also bans shorts for males that are 6 inches or more above the knee. Violators that are 18 and older will be hit with a $25 fine. The parents or guardians of under aged kids will be hit with the fine. Second time offenders will be hit with a $250 fine.

The new ordinance is pretty controversial, but the most controversial section of the ordinance relates to females over age 45. Any female over age 45 in violation of the ordinance will immediately be jailed for one night and fined $500. Many feel this goes too far.

One city official said, “Some feel this ordinance goes too far, but we felt we had to do something. The stuff girls are wearing these days is just out of hand. My dad wouldn’t have let me out of the house if I wore what some of these girls are wearing these days. Moms and grandmas are dressing like they’re 16 too. It’s crazy!”

One local female college student we talked with said, “This is insane! What’s next? Sharia law? I should be able to wear what I want; this just goes too far. I guess I won’t be doing any Tiktok or Instagram videos in Valley City anymore. I hate that, because they have the coolest places to make videos. I am so mad! Also, how are they going to enforce this? Are they going to have dress code police in brown shirts walking around with rulers? Do better Valley City!”

It will be interesting to see how the new ordinance is enforced. It shouldn’t be an issue now because of the cooler weather, but enforcement will be ramped up in the spring. The new ordinance goes into effect on Nov. 1st.

by Tre McGyver

Halloween season is in full blast in Valley Meadows right now. Our residents go all out for Halloween; all trailers except one has decorations. The Nophun’s never participate in anything or decorate for any holidays. The residents have decorated the gazebo, patio and the entrance; it’s a very festive place right now. Most people go all out for Christmas, but not my Valley Meadow peeps. Halloween is where it’s at!

Word has gotten out in The Valley that you have to check out Valley Meadows around Halloween. Many area residents drive into Valley Meadows after dark to see the craziness. It’s a spectacle. We’ve already had a few issues that I’ve had to address this year. Yesterday, we had a couple teens setup at the entrance charging non residents $5 per vehicle to enter into the neighborhood. Of course, I had to put the kibosh on that, but they had already made $40. That was a pretty smart idea though. Maybe, we’ll have to start doing that next year.

Also, we had one teen dressed up as a zombie jump onto the hood of a car of a Madison county family. It scared those people to death; they had a young child in the vehicle that is traumatized for life. Plus, it was a very expensive Mercedes, so I know they weren’t thrilled.

Additionally, the Adams family (the really weird family) hauled in some dirt to make a fake grave, and they’re burying a family member to make them look like they’re rising from the dead. I’ve had multiple neighborhood moms tell me that their toddlers have been having nightmares after seeing that. That’s a little too much, so I had to ask the Adams to stop that. They weren’t happy with me at all. Honestly, I think they may cast a spell on me.

It looks like we’re going to have to get a mobile pediatric psychiatrist and a mobile pediatric dentist to come visit Valley Meadows after Halloween. This place is nuts I’m telling you!

Y’all come see us at Valley Meadows around Halloween. It is something else! You just better be prepared though.

by Mack Speed

Hello Valleyans! It’s your boy Mack here. We had a great night at the track Saturday. Fall is in the air, and there’s nothing like the smell of the races. We had another great crowd at the track; we had around 2,000 fans again. Parking was much better this week, so I guess my PowerPoint presentation paid off.

There continues to be a lot of tailgating, and I love to see it. It just adds so much to the atmosphere. Sometimes the races are more of a Jerry Springer atmosphere, but I’d like them to be more of a college football atmosphere. Or, maybe a mixture of Jerry Springer and college football! Haha! My Ole Miss people are now a fixture at the tailgate, and more people are going all out. I did see some Ole Miss and MSU fans hanging out together, so maybe they read my last article. People are having food catered, and they’re paying teenagers to setup their tent, chairs, etc.

I got a couple reports of people gambling. I thought that was past us, but I guess not. Maybe we need to look into legalizing that next season. I didn’t get any reports of vaping, so that’s a good thing.

We didn’t have any bathroom issues, and we had plenty of porta potties. However, we did have a report of a couple teens making out in porta potty after the races. They must really be in love or drunk. How could you make out in a porta potty? The stench had to be horrible!

Now, to the races. My boy Dale won the junior race again, but it wasn’t easy. The competition is getting tougher. We had a little drama in his race though. One of the moms was yelling at Dale after the race saying he was cheating. Dale didn’t say anything, but I couldn’t keep quiet. I told the crazy woman to keep her mouth shut and mind her own business. I know my boy didn’t cheat, and she was just being a sore loser. I told her that I’d kick her out of my racetrack if she didn’t shut up.

Everyone assumed Tony Johnson or Jimmie Stewart would win the main race after their scuffle last race, but that wasn’t the case. Neither guy had a great race, and Jeff Petty took the checkered flag again. He simply outraced Johnson and Stewart this time. Johnson and Stewart were not happy; both were hollering and cussing at their crews. They thought that it was always going to be a two horse race, but it’s now a three horse race. Petty is very workmanlike; he just keeps his head down and races.

It was another great night for the SRVMRL. We only have two more races this fall season. We’ll see you next month at the track Valleyans.

by Emma Embellischer

The tv network Bravo aired the first Real Housewives show back in 2008, and it was called the Real Housewives of Orange County. It was a huge hit, and they’ve done multiple Real Housewives shows since then that have been very popular. Valley Productions has decided to copy their idea, and they’re going to produce a show called The Real Housewives of The Valley.

Gio Smellafarti has been a tv producer in New York for around 20 years, and he’s produced multiple hit shows and documentaries including The Primadonnas of the Prairie (based in rural Kansas), The Broads of the Bayou (based in Louisiana) and The Cats of Coal Country (based in West Virginia). He created Valley Productions specifically for his new show about the housewives of The Valley. Gio said, “Many people feel the Real Housewives shows are fake and don’t represent real middle class Americans. I wanted to create a show that shows real life with real middle class housewives, and The Valley is a great place to do that. I’m really excited about this show.”

Valley Productions will hold a casting session on Saturday, November 11th at 10:00 am at The Valley Convention Center in Valley City. Smellafarti said, “We are looking for 5 housewives that live in The Valley. We want women that are interesting and have personality. We’re looking for housewives of the following husbands/occupations: oilfield worker, farmer, teacher/coach, truck driver, and business owner. Spread the word! We’ll see you ladies on November 11 at 10:00 am!”

Smellafarti is promising to produce a quality show that represents the lives of actual housewives of The Valley, and he says he will shed them in a positive light. But, Valleyans are torn about the upcoming show. One female Valleyan said, “I have a feeling this show is going to be a circus. I know several women that are going to the casting session, and they are all a hot mess. Plus, I feel like it could possibly make The Valley look bad, and I really don’t want that.” A male Valleyan I talked with said, “I can’t wait to see this show! It’s going to be epic, and I know it’s going to be a hit. It’s going to be a train wreck in a good way! I know a lot of crazy women that should be on the show. And, The Valley is going to be famous; people are going to want to come to see The Valley and all it has to offer!

The five housewives and their personalities are going to make or break the show, so Valleyans are eager to see what women are selected. After casting, you’ll start to hear more about the show, and the marketing will really be ramped up in the coming months.