Archives January 2025

by Heeza de Seaver

The Strong River Bend (SRB) 4-way stop is at the crossroads of Hwy. 81 and Hwy. 31, and it can get pretty busy at times. You have drivers coming through the intersection from 4 different counties coming to and from work each day. There’s rarely an accident or issue at the 4-way stop until this Tuesday. Somehow, there was a 4 car pile up this Tuesday morning, and SRB officials are still scratching their heads as to how it happened.

I was able to talk with SRB police chief Barney Kojak. He said, “We’re still in the process of investigating the accident and gathering evidence and testimonies from witnesses and those involved. But, I just don’t understand how it happened. It’s just mind-boggling. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

I was able to speak with two of the drivers involved in the accident, and they will remain anonymous because of the ongoing investigation. A 45 year old man involved said, “I was the second person to stop; an elderly lady stopped before me. I motioned for her to come on, but she didn’t go. So, I started to go, and then she stomps on it and turns and hits me on the front driver’s side of my truck. I couldn’t believe it! I think people over age 75 should have to take the driver’s test each year to make sure they’re still competent enough to drive. There ain’t no way this old lady wouldn’t have passed.”

A 16 year old female driver involved in the accident said, “I’m going to honest with you; I was texting a friend when I pulled up to the 4-way. I know I shouldn’t be doing that, but I was. I won’t be doing it anymore, I promise you that. I looked and two other cars stopped before me, so I looked down to finish my text. I glanced up and waited a second, and I started to go. Then, 2 of the vehicles collided, and the noise scared me to death. So, I accidentally hit the gas instead of the brake, and there you go. I was so upset, because I knew my dad was going to want to kill me.”

I was also able to speak to an eyewitness who heard and saw the accident as she was leaving the Dollar General. She said, “I was walking out of DG, and I heard a loud noise. I looked over at the 4 way, and I saw the two vehicles involved. Then, I couldn’t believe it when the young girl ran into the car. If I had to bet, she was probably texting or on Tiktok. Then, I saw the other car try to drive around the accident, and the elderly lady backed into that car. I couldn’t believe my eyes! I just started laughing. A 4 car pile up at the SRB 4 way? No way! I thought I that I was in the middle of a dream.”

Luckily, no one was hurt in the accident. 4-way stops can occasionally be tricky propositions, but no one could’ve imagined this. I was able to speak to world renowned statistician, Flo Nightingale, about the probability of an accident like this happening at an intersection like the SRB 4 way. She did some calculations, and she told me there was a 1 in 34,497,713 chance that an accident like this could happen.

This accident will surely go down in Valley lore for decades to come. Some people have already started coming up with nicknames for the accident- Melee at the 4-Way, Bedlam at the Bend, and more. We’ll see which one will stick. Be careful out there Valleyans!

by Ben BeEssen

It seems like everything has become politicized these days. In the past, most companies and organizations tried to stay out of politics, and most companies tried to avoid controversial issues. Most felt it was bad for business because they could potentially alienate some of their customer base. Over the past 10 years or so, that has changed. Many companies and organizations have gladly jumped off into the culture wars of our day.

One issue that has been very controversial is the adding of preferred pronouns to email signatures and social media profiles. Many of you have probably received an email from someone that has their preferred pronouns listed in their email signature. I have, and it was pretty surprising the first time I saw it. Some of you probably have connections on LinkedIn that have their preferred pronouns listed as well. Of course, this doesn’t happen in The Valley, but it does happen in more liberal areas of the country.

One Valley company has decided to jump into the culture wars, and they have come in with guns a blazing. Burly Billy’s Beef Jerky is a well known snack company in The Valley. They’re known for their beef jerky, but they also manufacture many different snacks. You can find their products in stores across The Valley, Mississippi, and the South. Burly Billy’s employs about 20 people, and they have only one female employee- Ms. Judy. They are proudly patriotic, and the company is not shy about making their views known.

Burly Billy’s is making waves now because of what they’ve done with their employees’ email signatures. They have strongly encouraged their employees to add personal information to their email name lines and email signatures. Sales reps are encouraged to add their golf handicap and their lowest golf score ever, and the production and maintenance employees are encouraged to add their max bench press and max squat numbers. The employees’ email signatures will look similar to the ones in the picture below.

Owner Billy Burnside said, “I have seen that some liberal idiots add their pronouns to their email signatures, and I thought that was so stupid. I decided to have a little fun and go the total opposite direction. I wanted to make waves, and I wanted our company to show the world that we support being manly men. Our company is going to display our toxic masculinity for everyone to see. I thought it would be fun for our pretty boy sales guys to show off their golf handicaps and low scores, and I thought it would be awesome for our rough and tough production and maintenance guys to display their weightlifting numbers. I hope it makes the the libs wine and cry, and I hope other companies will follow suit!”

Burly Billy’s sale consultant, Chad Sellers, said, “I think this is a great idea. Burly Billy’s has great products, and people love them. But, this move will generate a lot of buzz for our company, and it will help me get in even more doors. That means more sales and more commission for me baby! Unfortunately, my golf game isn’t very good; I only play about 2-3 times per year. So, I’ll have to lie about my numbers. Heck, what is a golf handicap anyway?”

Burly Billy’s assembly line manager, Henry Ford, said, “I really like this idea. It’s going to set us apart in the marketplace, and it’s going to get us a lot of publicity. There’s no such thing as bad publicity right? My guys are going to have a lot of fun with it. I’m sure some guys will inflate their weightlifting numbers, and some of the guys will have to start working out. Heck, we may have to add a rack in the facility for the guys to workout on during their breaks.”

I’m sure this will generate a lot of publicity for Burly Billy’s. It seems like there’s been a pretty significant shift to the right in the culture wars lately. It will be interesting to see how people react to this move by Burly Billy’s, and it will interesting to see if other companies follow their lead.