Archives 2024

by I. B. Lyon

Bubba’s Buffet has been a fixture in The Valley for many years. They have great food and a friendly staff, and people come back time after time. Bubba Biggers decided to let kids (12 & under) eat free on Leap Day, Feb. 29th, this year. It was something fun to get people in the door during a week night . Biggers did a good job of getting the word out on social media, and they had a great crowd last night.

Not long after they opened, Bubba realized that he might have made a mistake. One of his waitresses came to him to talk about an angry customer. The waitress told Bubba that a grown man with a wife and two kids claimed that he was 9 years old, and he let the waitress know up front that his meal along with his kids’ meals should be free. The waitress basically told him that he was full of it, and he would have to pay for his meal. The customer then explained to her that he was born on leap year 36 years ago, but he was technically 9 years old. So, the waitress told him that she’d have to talk with Bubba about it.

Bubba said, “I told my waitress to let him know that his meal would be free, but I realized that he probably wasn’t going to the be last customer to make this claim. And, I was right. My waitress came back to me 5 minutes later with the same issue, and I told her that we were one and done. Another waitress came to see me a few minutes later with another customer making the same claim. Then, I stopped what I was doing and talked to every sapsucking adult that claimed they were born on Leap Day. I let them all know they would have to pay for their food. It really ticked me off. There’s no darn way that many people in The Valley were born on Leap Day.”

A couple diners got downright ugly. One diner made one of Bubba’s waitresses cry. She said, “This guy started cussing when I let him know he’d have to pay for his food. He started making fun of the way I talk, and he even made a comment about my weight.” Bubba did all he could to put out the fires all night, but he was losing his patience.

Things came to a head when a gentleman told a waiter he was born on Leap Day 48 years ago. So, he claimed he was 12. The waiter informed him that he’d have to pay of his meal. The diner got very angry, and he and the waiter exchanged words. Bubba said, “I know the guy a little bit, and I know he wasn’t born on Leap Day. I saw on Facebook that he had a birthday about a week ago. This idiot was just trying to get a free meal like 20 other moochers tonight.” The gentleman told Bubba and the waiter if he couldn’t get a free meal because of his age then they’d have to give him one since it was his birthday. Things escalated from there. Bubba said, “I told him to leave my restaurant immediately. I may have called him a name or two.”

One of Bubba’s employees called the police because they feared things might get out of hand. The police arrived after the irate gentleman had left. Bubba said, “I told the police what had happened all night, and they laughed about it. I never dreamed people would’ve tried this stuff. I guess one person came up with the idea, and they must’ve told all their friends. I even had one diner say he identified as a 10 year old boy, so he should get meal for free. I won’t be doing this on Leap Day again I promise you; I probably won’t even open up on Leap Day again.”

Valleyans, the moral of the story is that no good deed goes unpunished. And, people like free food. They will do anything under the sun for free food. Stay alert out there today Valleyans, and don’t fall victim to any Leap Day scams.

by Ima Phibber

First Baptist Church of Strong River Bend (FBCSRB) has been growing the past few years. Many churches saw attendance decline during covid, and the numbers have stayed down for many. But, FBCSRB was able to avoid that, and they are thriving now. The main reason the church is growing is that the town of Strong River Bend is growing. People love the small town feel and the good school, and that has attracted quite a few people from outside The Valley to SRB.

The growth has created a few issues at FBCSRB. One of the issues is that newer members are sitting in older members’ seats. Evidently, a lot of the new young members don’t know that many senior citizen Southern Baptists have unofficial assigned seats. SRB’s pastor, Benny Osteen, started noticing that his congregation was becoming segregated between newer members and older members during Sunday services.

Bro. Osteen said, “I didn’t like how our congregation was basically segregated during our services. I started asking around to see what was going on. I talked to some older members, and I talked to some newer members. I didn’t like what I discovered. A couple of our newer members spilled the beans. Four of our older ladies had created what they called the Pew Police.” Osteen had a hunch who the ladies were, and he talked with all four. He told them that had to disband, and they needed to be more welcoming. He also told them they needed to apologize to some newer members that they’ve offended.

Bro. Osteen said, “Thinking back, I remember one or two of those ladies wore navy blue every Sunday, and I noticed they walked around the sanctuary before our services.” He laughed and said, “I guess they were patrolling before the services making sure the older members’ pews were not occupied. These ladies are so sweet, but I guess they just couldn’t take these newcomers sitting in their seats.”

I was able to interview one of the Pew Police officers, and she wanted to remain anonymous. She said, “I’ve been a member of FBCSRB for 50 years, and my husband and I have always sat in the same pew. I’m all for having new people join our church, but I don’t like them sitting in my pew. I know we shouldn’t have formed the Pew Police, but we got a little carried away. I bet we were the only all female police force in America. We have a young couple sitting on our pew now, and we really like them since we’ve gotten to know them.”

I was also able to talk with a couple newer members. One said, “We joined FBCSRB because we really liked Bro. Osteen, the contemporary music, the coffee bar, and the fact that the church was growing. It felt pretty welcoming. But, more and more people started joining, and I started noticing some of the older ladies weren’t so warm to us newcomers. One Sunday morning, I watched this older lady enter the sanctuary, and she was talking to her friends. She seemed very happy and in a good mood. But, her demeanor changed big time when she approached our pew, and she gave us the meanest look. I realized we were in her pew, and we made a mental note not to sit there again. It’s hilarious now to realize some of those sweet old ladies formed a Pew Police.”

I hope your church doesn’t have a Pew Police. We all need to smile and welcome people to our churches. How about this? You older people should sit by some young people you don’t know this Sunday, and you younger people should sit by some older people you don’t know this Sunday. Talk to them and get to know them. This would help our churches a great deal.

by B. S. Ryter

The members of The Valley Elks Lodge have noticed recently that they have a lot of senior single members. With Valentine’s Day approaching, they wanted to create a way for the singles, divorcees, and widows/widowers to mingle and have a good time. So, they decided to host a 65+ singles dance. The dance was last night at the Lodge, and attendees had to show their Medicare card in order to enter.

The dance was well attended; organizers estimate that they had around 80 attendees. The organizers had multiple planned dances and contests. There was a Griddy dance off for the men, and there was a limbo competition for the women. There was also a salsa dance contest for women/men pairs or couples. There was an open bar and plenty of hor d’oeurvres for the attendees, and the Valentine’s decorations were very nice. The festivities started at 6:00 pm and was scheduled to end at 9:00 pm, and a 10 minute break was scheduled for the attendees to take their meds.

Things were going well until Al Fugaysi tried to enter using a friend’s Medicare card. Al caused a scene because the bouncer wouldn’t let him in. One attendee said, “Al is not the brightest crayon in the box. He shows up in disguise with someone else’s Medicare card, a fake mustache, and sunglasses. When using someone else’s card, you gotta make sure the bouncer doesn’t know that person. He tried to use the bouncer’s cousin’s card. Al is like 57, so he was too young to attend. I guess he was looking for a cougar with a lot of money. What a moron!”

Inside, the attendees were having a good time dancing and mingling. The first contest was a Griddy contest for the men. It got whittled down to the final two- Billy Dance and Don Shuffler. Dance went first, and the crowd went wild. Shuffler went last, and 10 seconds in he fell and hit the back of his head on the floor and opened up a nasty gash. One female attendee said, “He obviously had gotten tired, and he tripped over his feet. He’s a little portly and was breathing heavily, so he probably over did it. He ended up being ok, but it was pretty embarrassing for him.”

The limbo competition for the women was pretty intense. The ladies were very competitive, and they all wanted to win. Of course, all the gentlemen stopped what they were doing to watch the ladies. It came down to Karen Ghetlow and Joyce Llowbar. Llowbar went first and barely made it. Ghetlow went next, and it looked like she was about to make it, but her wig fell off and she knocked the bar down. One male attendee said, “I knew she was wearing a wig! I told a couple buddies that she was wearing one, but they said I was crazy. I feel sorry for her. I doubt she’ll ever show her face again at the Lodge.”

As the dance was coming to an end, there was a kerfuffle between two gentlemen. Evidently, both men wanted to escort Elizabeth Taylor Monroe to her vehicle. Monroe is a well-known wealthy socialite in the The Valley. In her younger years, she actually won the Ms. Valley Beauty Pageant. Monroe’s friend said, “Both of those old farts had been vying for her attention all night, and they both wanted to walk her to her car. They started arguing and cussing, and they were nose to nose before we all knew it. Liz lead them on all night, but she has no interest in either one. She’s been married 5 times, and she told me it ain’t happening again. I guess she still likes to flirt, and those guys were eating it up.” Luckily, the confrontation didn’t turn physical, and neither actually escorted her to her vehicle.

Until next year Valleyans!

by Ben BeEssen

In recent years, more and more families are starting to be homesteaders. Families are wanting to be self-sufficient for many reasons. Some families fear the Apocalypse is fast approaching, some just want to eat healthier, and some just want to save money. One facet of this movement is that more women are baking their own bread. If you get on Facebook or Instagram, you’ll see multiple women of The Valley posting their photos of their homemade bread.

Jane Sauwerdoe has been baking her own bread for years. She has taught many women in The Valley how to make their own bread. Recently, Jane was encouraged to form some type of group to share ideas about bread baking with others. So, she formed The Valley Bread Bakers Guild. The Guild’s mission is to support and promote artisan bread baking in The Valley through education, training, and community building.

Sauwerdoe will hold monthly workshops on bread baking. She’ll also hold all-day bread camps each quarter. The Guild will offer more perks for its members as well. The annual membership dues are $100 for individuals and $150 for companies and organizations. Sauwerdoe said, “I’m so excited about the Guild, and what it’s going to provide for my members. I’ve always loved to teach about bread baking, and this will give me an even bigger platform to share and teach.”

I talked to a couple of Sauwerdoe’s followers, and they are excited. Susan Pumpernickle said, “I can’t wait to join the Guild and attend the monthly meetings. I’ve always heard about the famous Sauwerdoe’s sourdough, and now I’ll be able to learn how to make it from Jane.” Debbie Wrye said, “I’m so excited about this awesome community. We’re hardcore homesteaders, but the only thing I haven’t done is bread baking. You can’t call yourself a homesteader unless you bake your own bread right? My husband is pushing me hard to join; he’s tired of eating that Sara Lee bread full of preservatives. $100 is a little steep though. I feel like Jane should give a discount to homesteaders.”

Sauwerdoe has already had about 250 people join the Guild. Their first meeting is this Saturday at 9:00 am. In addition to bread baking basics, Sauwerdoe will host a chicken expert that will talk about raising chickens, egg laying, and building chicken coups. Valleyans, expect to see more of those bread baking photos on social media for a long time to come!

by Heeza de Seaver

Groundhog Day has become an American tradition, and it’s something fun that we look forward to each year. Annually on Feb. 2nd, thousands of people from around the world gather in Punxsutawney, PA at Gobbler’s Knob to see if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow. If he sees his shadow, that supposedly means there will six more weeks of winter. If he doesn’t see his shadow, spring will arrive early.

Some residents of The Valley have decided to create a similar “holiday.” But, it’s going to be a little different than Groundhog Day. It’s going to be called Armadillo Day, and the armadillo is named Valley Vic. Valley Vic is a rescue armadillo that was hit on Hwy. 13, and he was rehabilitated. However, he still walks with a limp. The ceremony will be held each year at Buck Bend on the Strong River. The verdict will be the same though. If Valley Vic comes out of his burrow and sees his shadow, there will be 6 more weeks of winter. If he doesn’t see his shadow, we’ll be wearing shorts by March 1st.

The organizers of this “holiday” have formed The Valley Armadillo Club to plan and organize the event each year. The event will be held on Feb. 2nd each year like Groundhog Day. Buck Bend Resort on the Strong River will host the event annually. Graye Hardshelle is the president of the Armadillo Club, and he’s very excited about the new holiday.

Hardshelle said, “I’ve had a vision about creating this event for a while now. Why can’t The Valley have a neat annual experience like the folks in Punxsutawney, PA? We don’t have groundhogs in The Valley, but we have armadillos and they burrow like groundhogs. So, let’s do an Armadillo Day! I will have to admit that groundhogs are much cuter than armadillos though. Over time, hopefully we can build it up to be a big regional event each year.”

Hardshelle wants the event to be like a fair or festival. They’ll have vendors selling food, nic nacs, and more. Armadillo Day and Valley Vic souvenirs will be sold as well. There will also be games for the kids, and there will be live music as well.

However, some aspects of Armadillo Day will be different from Groundhog Day. Hardshelle said, “On Groundhog Day, you see the guy in the suit and top hat holding up Punxsutawney Phil, and the crowd goes wild. Myself or no one else will be holding Valley Vic, because he’s dirty and we don’t want to get leprosy. Also, we’re not real sure how we’re going to get Valley Vic out of his burrow. He has good days and bad days. If he doesn’t want to come out, you ain’t getting him out of his burrow. He digs those claws in, and he won’t budge. So, y’all keep your fingers crossed that he’ll wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow.”

The organizers are expecting a big crowd tomorrow at Buck Bend. The event begins at sunrise with the ceremony to see if Valley Vic sees his shadow. Vendors will be cooking breakfast food for the attendees. Organizers expect things to really pick up in the afternoon as kids get out of school. Live music will start at 6:00 pm, and they’ll have multiple bands perform. The event ends at 10:00 pm. See you tomorrow Valleyans at the inaugural Armadillo Day!

by SRVO Editorial Staff

The SRVO is thrilled to have Heeza de Seaver join our organization. Heeza brings a ton of experience as a reporter, journalist, and writer to The Valley. He’s written for multiple organizations in Europe on various topics. Most recently, he was a war/conflict reporter and writer in the Middle East for a large publication, and he got burned out as you can imagine. Heeza looks forward to the safety and tranquility of The Valley.

Heeza will be writing about the news of The Valley. Additionally, he will occasionally write about gardening. Heeza plans to start a tulip gardening club; you’ll hear about that in the future. Also, he loves to play korfball, which is a popular sport in the Netherlands, and he plans to introduce the sport to The Valley. We all know when Heeza arrives in the office on Fridays, because he wears his traditional Dutch wooden shoes on Fridays.

We think you’ll love Heeza and his writing style and the international perspective that he brings. Please welcome Heeza to The Valley!

Click here to read his official bio.

by Demar “Stretch” DeTrooth

January is normally a great month for gyms and fitness centers; people are eager to get started on their New Years resolutions to get fit. Things have gotten off to a super hot start at Strong River Bend Fitness this January. I caught up with the owner, Richard Simmons, this week. Simmons said, “January is always a good month for us, but this January is our best month ever. We have had 30% more new members sign up this January than any previous January in our 15 year history.” Simmons is using some good ole mind games on his members this year, and he is not ashamed of it.

Simmons said, “I was tired of seeing new members sign up each January, and then they’d ditch their memberships by March or April. It happens every year. Our revenue would be great for the first half of the year, and we’d limp to the finish line in December. I decided that I was going to use reverse psychology on my new members this year in hopes that it would help my bottom line, and it’s working big time so far.”

The gym’s new policy mandated that all new members must pay for 6 months dues in advance when they sign up. If new members work out at least 3 times per week on average for the first 6 months of the year, they get half off their membership the final 6 months of the year. That’s 25% off the full year’s membership dues. Simmons thought people would be willing to take the deal to prove a point to themselves and others that they were going to stick to their New Years resolutions and get fit. He even went so far as to post a sign outside the gym about the deal, and at the bottom it read, “Bet you can’t stick with us for 6 months.” Time will tell if Simmons is right on his bet. Simmons said, “You learn human nature in this business, and you know most people aren’t gonna stick with it.”

One new member said, “Richard thinks we’re not gonna stick with it, but we’re gonna show him. My workout partners and I have been in here at 5:30 am sharp every weekday so far. We ain’t going nowhere baby! It’s all about accountability! Can’t wait for that 50% off the second half of the year. We’re gonna show that jerk, and I’m gonna take that stupid sign and shove it where the sun don’t shine!”

Membership has exploded so much that Simmons is having to require members to reserve workout times. Some longtime members were complaining about the gym being crowded, so Simmons started requiring members to reserve a workout time online. Now some longtime members are complaining about the reservation time slots which are a maximum of 1 hour in length. One longtime member said, “I know Richard is trying to get all these new members in and everything, but he doesn’t need to forget about us old loyal members. It’s impossible to get my workout in, flex in the mirror, take Instagram pics, and talk to all my boys in an hour. He needs to increase the time slots.”

Simmons said, “I bet we can stop reserving time slots in April, maybe before. We’ll see.” I told Simmons that we’ll do a follow up story in July or August to see if his big bet worked out, and he agreed to participate. I hope 2024 has started well for you Valleyans! Stick to those resolutions to get fit and prove Simmons wrong!

by I. B. Lyon

The growth of craft beers and breweries has exploded over the past 10 years. Craft breweries offer many different types of beer in many different unique flavors, and people have been flocking to the breweries to drink these local craft beers. Also, many of these craft breweries have restaurants as well. There are now about 10,000 breweries in America, and that is expected to grow. The majority of Americans live within 10 miles of an independent craft brewery. The Valley hasn’t had a craft brewery until now.

Porter Ailes has been drinking craft beers for as long as he can remember. He and his friends have always dreamed about starting a brewery, but they never had the funds to get one going. Porter has been a psychology instructor at Valley Tech Community College for 7 years now. Porter recently won around $80K in the MS Lottery, and he decided it was the time to make his dream come true. Ailes and his friends will start construction on the facility in the next month, and it will be on the vacant lot next to the Six Town Hollow town hall building. They have named their company Bluecat Brewing Co.

Bluecat Brewing will have an 8,000 square foot building, and it will house 4 different businesses inside the building. Half the space will be for the brewery and it’s equipment. 2,500 square feet will be for their restaurant, and 1,500 square feet will be evenly split between a tattoo parlor and a men’s beard grooming salon. Additionally, they will have outdoor seating for the restaurant, a playground for kids, and a small dog park.

Ailes said, “We’re so pumped to bring this unique idea to Six Town Hollow and The Valley. There’s nothing like it in the state that I’m aware of. We think it’ll attract a ton of people to Six Town Hollow and The Valley. We have everything you need at Bluecat Brewing. You can enjoy an awesome craft beer while eating a great burger with your dog. Afterwards, you can get your beard trimmed, and then end the day with a new tattoo. After getting your tattoo, you can listen to live music. We’ll have live music on the weekends. We have a playground for the kiddos too. Where else can you do all that?”

Initially Bluecat Brewing plans to have 3 beers, but they plan to expand their offerings in the future. The three beers are Bluecat Original IPA, King Kottonmouth (pale ale), and The Mighty Strong (pilsner named after the Strong River). Ailes said, “Our original 3 beers are strong, but we’ll expand our lineup in the future. We’ll also offer seasonal beers. Our food is going to be good too. We’ll have great burgers, wraps, pizza, catfish, and more.”

The young Valleyans that I talked with were very excited about Bluecat Brewing Co. One young male said, “This is awesome. My hipster friends and I don’t really have a place to hangout in The Valley, but we will now. I’ve been waiting to get my forearm sleeve tattoo finished, and it’ll be so cool to sip on a Bluecat beer with my dog by my side while getting that ink. I can’t grow a beard, but some of my buds are pumped about the beard grooming salon.”

Six Town Hollow Mayor Don Berry Henry said, “We don’t get a lot of outside visitors here, but I hope Bluecat Brewing will change that. We hope to get a ton of out-of-town visitors that travel along Hwy. 49. We’re very excited about the project.”

Construction on the facility will start in the next few weeks, and this will be a huge draw for the young people of The Valley and the surrounding areas in the future.

by SRVO Editorial Staff

Happy New Year Valleyans! We hope you had a great 2023, and we hope 2024 is even better for you. The Editorial Staff here at the SRVO has decided to have a little fun to start off the year. We asked all of our writers to give us at least one New Years resolution. Enjoy!

B. S. Ryter– Greetings Valleyans! My #1 resolution for the new year is to expand my dog walking business. According to recent studies, 37% of dogs aren’t getting enough exercise, and it’s leading to increased health issues for our pups. I want to change that, and I want to improve the health of The Valley’s dogs and pad my pockets while I’m at it.

Ben BeEssen– Hey people of The Valley! My #1 focus in 2024 is to refocus on my writing. My priorities in 2023 were on growing my beard grooming business, and my writing suffered. I heard from you Valleyans, and I’ve listened. You’ll see an improvement in my writing this year; I promise you that. But, you can still buy my beard grooming supplies online.

Carl “Bull” Crapper– Howdy Valleyans! I hope all y’all have a great 2024. My #1 resolution for 2024 is not to have a kid this year. I have 2 jobs now to be able to feed all my kids, and I really don’t want to have to get a 3rd job.

Demar “Stretch” DeTrooth– What’s up Valleyans? I hope all of you had a great 2023. My #1 resolution for the new year is to expand my writing horizons. I’m looked at as the “sports guy” here at the SRVO, and that’s ok. But, I want to expand my horizons and write about more than sports. Maybe, I can be like Michael Strahan one day. He was known as a sports guy, and look at him now. He does it all. So, follow me this year as I begin to write about news, human interest stories and more.

Emma Embellischer– Hey Valleyans! I hope you all had a good 2023, and I hope 2024 is starting well for you. As you know, I had an ugly, brief marriage to Bubba, and it left a bad taste in my mouth about the men of The Valley. But, I just want the men of The Valley to know that I’ve decided to let my preconceived notions about the men of The Valley go, and I am on the market. However, if your name is Bubba, don’t even bother. Also, no dipping, chewing, or vaping, and you can’t drink Bud Light. Also, you have to be able to live with cats, and you can’t be married. DM me guys!

I. B. Lyon– What’s happening Valley peeps? My primary New Years resolution is to stop my hatred for Coach Prime. He left my Jackson State Tigers high and dry; he dropped us like a bad habit. If he would’ve had a winning record at Colorado this past year, it might be impossible for me to stop hating him. But, they had a tough season, plus his recruiting was horrible and recruits are now dropping him like a bad habit. Y’all, pray for me that my hatred for Prime will continue to abate, and pray that Colorado has another losing season in 2024.

Ima Phibber– Hey everyone! The SRVO had a great inaugural year in 2023. We appreciate all of our readers. My #1 goal in 2024 is to continue to grow the profile and notoriety of the SRVO. I want the SRVO to be a household name for news not only in The Valley but across the state. I’m gonna carry this organization and its band of rag tag writers to the Promised Land!

Offe Hisczrocher– Hallo friends! My only resolution for the new year is to develop a taste for the food of The Valley. It’s much different than the food in Switzerland, but I’m determined to take a liking to it. I’m going to start with the catfish (grilled); maybe I can come around to fried catfish. I can’t wait to try some crayfish. I hear they’re great, but we’ll see in 2024.

Pullyn Mylegg– Hey y’all! I have a few resolutions for 2024, but my #1 resolution is to move out of my parents’ house. I’m 26 now, and it’s time. I can tell Mom is tired of doing my laundry and cooking my frozen pizzas. A close #2 is to cut my daily gaming time in half. It’s going to be tough, but I can do it.