Archives December 2023

by Pullyn Mylegg

This time of year fireworks stands pop up everywhere to sell fireworks for New Years. Johnny “Smoke” Bahm has been selling fireworks for around 20 years, and he always sets up by the Pic & Save grocery store in Valley City. This is a side hustle for Smoke, and he takes the week off after Christmas each year to sell fireworks.

Smoke knows the fireworks can be dangerous. He makes sure he has nothing that could potentially start a fire close to his stand. He also has multiple signs to warn customers- No Smoking, Warning- Flammable. However, he realized this year that he can do everything in his power to keep his stand safe, but he can’t control the actions of idiots.

On Tuesday night, Smoke’s stand went up in flames, literally. Smoke wasn’t there when things blew up, literally. He left to get a Big One combo at Ward’s. He had a teenager manning the stand while he was gone. A grandpa with his grandson arrived just as Smoke was leaving. The grandpa was smoking a cigarette, and the teenage worker was scared to say anything to him. Everything was fine until the grandpa was tripped by his grandson. The teenager worker rushed over to help the man up, and they both forgot about the cigarette that was in his mouth. The man eventually got back on his feet and dusted his clothes off after 30 seconds or so. Then, it started.

First, it was firecrackers, and then it was whistling bottlerockets. They lost track after that. Everyone realized they were in trouble. The worker, the grandpa and his grandson, and everyone around the stand starting running for the hills, ducking behind vehicles, and running into Pic & Save. It was total chaos, and it seemed to last forever. Fireworks were shooting in all directions, and the stand was on fire. The noises were deafening. It was a total disaster.

One onlooker said, “I was walking out of Pic & Save, and I heard the noises. I ducked behind somebody’s car and watched the show. I was scared at first, and I almost wet my pants. But, it ended up being a pretty good fireworks show. I feel sorry for Smoke though. I was actually headed over there to get fireworks for my kids, but I guess I won’t be buying them from Smoke this year.” There were reports that multiple cars just stopped on the highway to watch the “show.”

Pictured taken by local resident

Smoke heard the noises while he was in the drive thru at Ward’s, and he knew what it was. He started getting knots in his stomach, and he rushed back to the stand. It was basically finished when he arrived, but his stand was still on fire. Firefighters arrived a few minutes later to extinguish the stand, but it was a loss. Smoke said, “I couldn’t believe it. I was speechless. I just wanted to make sure my worker and everyone else was ok. Thank God! No one was hurt, and nothing else caught on fire. The bad news is that my dog, Sparky, ran off, and we can’t find him.”

Sparky was not the only animal that was spooked. Two Valley City residents that live close to Pic & Save had their cats climb trees, and the cats wouldn’t come down. The firefighters left Smoke’s stand to retrieve the cats, and the firefighters had to work to 1:30 am retrieving the cats. Dogs could be heard howling in the wee hours of the night; they were obviously spooked by the explosions.

Smoke is a savvy businessman, and he had insurance on his fireworks. Smoke said, “It really sucks because I think I was going to have a great week, but I’ll make a little profit from the insurance money. Smoke laughed, “I probably won’t be able to get insurance in the future now though.”

As I was finishing this story, I received word that Smoke had finally found Sparky. Smoke said, “I’m probably going to have to take him to a dog therapist; I’m sure he has PTSD and he’ll never be the same. But, I’m relieved that he’s alive.” So, it’s good that we have a happy ending to this explosive story.

by Offe Hisczrocher

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. The lights, the music, the food, the gifts; I could go on and on. The Christmas office party has become something that most look forward to this time of year as well. Everyone brings their spouse, and everyone enjoys a good festive meal. There may or may not be a little alcohol involved, and everyone has a great time.

As you know, The Valley Chronicle is our competitor, and we’ve developed quite a rivalry. We don’t like them, and they don’t like us. Let’s be honest, they’re jealous of us. They’ve been the only game in town for 75 plus years, and they don’t like that we’ve come on the seen and upset the apple cart. The Chronicle is known to go all out for their Christmas party, and this year was no different. They had a fine catered meal with a full bar; it was super nice. In case you’re wondering, I have a lady friend at the Chronicle that feeds me info. Everything was wonderful until they started playing Dirty Santa.

Johnny Crunk is the longtime President of The Valley Chronicle, and his wife is Karen Crunk. She is a well known socialite in The Valley, and she never misses a good party. So, the meal was over, and they started playing Dirty Santa. Everyone was having a great time until Susie Steele stole Karen’s gift. My source said that Karen had had a little too much egg nog, and she was in great spirits until her gift was stolen. Susie told my source, “Hey! Watch this!” Evidently Susie knew that it might set Karen off, and it definitely did.

Karen’s facial expression and disposition instantly changed. She said, “I can’t believe that heifer took my gift.” Susie heard her, and that set her off. Susie said, “Yeah, I took your gift. What you gonna do about it? This is Dirty Santa you know.” Evidently, these two ladies don’t like each other, and they recently had a verbal altercation at another party. Before anyone could blink, the two middle aged women were face to face yelling at each other. Let’s just say you couldn’t use the words they were using in Sunday school. It all came to a head when Karen put her finger in Susie’s face. Susie pushed Karen, and then it was on like Donkey Kong. They were going at it! Hair was pulled, clothes almost came off, and both ended up on the floor rolling around. I do have video of the altercation, but I want to continue to live, so I won’t be releasing it.

After a few moments, the scuffle was broken up. But, the police were called, and the party came to an abrupt halt. No charges were filed, but it was a big embarrassment for the Chronicle and the Crunk family. And, now everyone in The Valley and the world gets to hear about it! If you haven’t already, you need to ditch your Chronicle subscription, and get your news from the SRVO!

Valleyans, don’t be a Karen or Susie this Christmas season. We have so much to be joyful and thankful for this Christmas season. Lay off the egg nog at your office Christmas party. And, remember that Jesus is the reason for the season!

MERRY CHRISTMAS Valleyans!

by Ima Phibber

Live nativity scenes are not common these days, but Six Town Hollow Baptist Church still does one every year. Six Town has been doing their live nativity scene for around 100 years, and most families have been involved for generations. They do it nightly during the second week of December each year. Six Town goes all out each year, and Valleyans and people from outside The Valley come see it year after year.

The nativity scene hasn’t missed a year since they started it in 1925; even covid couldn’t stop it. It was interesting to see the characters with masks, but they kept it going. They’re always there on the 2nd week of December, rain or shine. Unfortunately, they had to shut it down after 2 nights this year.

Let’s just say, what could go wrong, went wrong. First, Baby Jesus came down with hand, foot, and mouth, and he passed it on to 3 other kids that were involved. Also, Mary got it, and it was rough on her. So, they had to find fill ins for all these people, and they ended up using a baby doll as Jesus for the first time ever. Next, Ms. Josephine Ramm accidentally drove her car into one of the props and destroyed it on the first night. She accidentally hit the gas instead of the brake, and luckily she didn’t hit a person or animal in the nativity scene. Ms. Ramm couldn’t be reached for comment, but everyone said she felt horrible for what happened.

On the second night, they had issues with the animals. The donkey named Balaam kicked two different adults involved with the program. One was ok, but the other has a hairline fracture in their shin. One actor said, “I guess Balaam decided to talk with his legs. He is a mean thing. We gotta find a new donkey next year.” Next, one of the male goats got loose, and he climbed up on the Hill’s car and caused some damage to the hood. After they got him off, he rammed the side of their vehicle and caused more damage.

As the second night was winding down, Ms. Karene Downs drove her car off in the ditch as she was leaving. A tow truck had to be called to get her out, and that caused all the cars to be stuck in line for about 40 minutes. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Bro. Moses Joseph, the pastor of Six Town Hollow Baptist, said, “We had to shut it down. We didn’t want to do it, but we felt it was necessary. We were going to be running low on actors; a couple of actors had also gotten the flu. I know Valleyans are disappointed, and we are disappointed too. But, we’ll do it again next year, and it’ll be better than ever. We’re not gonna let Satan shut it down for good. People need to realize Satan is real, and he’s going to get after you sometimes. We just have to put our faith in God, and realize that he’s gonna get us through it. A great verse of scripture for this is John 16:33. God is good!”

MERRY CHRISTMAS Valleyans!!!

by Emma Embellischer

Riviera Cosmetic and Plastic Surgery Group out of Madison has decided to open a clinic in Valley City. In our self absorbed, glitz and glam, social media loving world, people have become obsessed about their outer appearances. Business has been booming for Riviera, and they have been looking to expand recently. They looked at their patient database, and they realized they had a large number of patients that live in The Valley. So, it made sense to put a clinic in The Valley to better serve their patients.

The clinic will be on Main St. in Valley City in the downtown medical complex. Initially, the clinic will be open 3 days a week: Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Riviera’s Marketing Director, Brittney Kardashian, shared their excitement about the new clinic. She said, “We are super excited about our new clinic in The Valley. We serve a ton of patients in The Valley, and they no longer have to drive all the way to Madison. We hope to attract new patients from The Valley as well.”

The clinic will provide parking behind the building so patients don’t have to park on Main St. and be seen entering and exiting the clinic. The clinic also promises patients that they won’t be seen by other patients while inside the clinic. Kardashian said, “Generally, our patients don’t want others to know they’ve had procedures, and we do all we can to make that happen. We’ve found this is especially true of female Valleyans; they don’t want others to know they’ve had work done.”

The new Riviera clinic will also offer a couple procedures for men- hair transplants and neck lifts. Kardashian said, “We’re thrilled to offer procedures for the men of The Valley. We’ve talked to multiple men that wanted to remain anonymous, but they’re looking forward to getting hair transplants.”

The new clinic will offer multiple Christmas specials to new Valley patients including 25% off botox, facelifts, and chemical peels. Kardashian said, “Men of the Valley, give your women the gift of cosmetic or plastic surgery this year! We have some great deals!” They also plan to offer tummy tuck specials for Mother’s Day and hair transplant specials for Father’s Day next year. Additionally, they will offer buy now, pay later options, so most Valleyans will be able to afford their procedures.

Most Valleyans I talked with are excited about the new clinic. One female said, “I’ve already told my husband what to get me for Christmas- botox and it’s 25% off! I’m thrilled, and he’s thrilled because he doesn’t have to pick out a gift for me this year. He really sucks at that.” A middle aged male said, “I’m getting myself a neck lift for Christmas this year. I’m a MSU bulldog fan, but I won’t actually look like a bulldog anymore. I’m pumped!”

The clinic is already open, and they’re seeing a lot of new patients. The Christmas specials have been a huge boon for business. But, time will tell if the early success will be sustainable.