by Ima Phibber

The Strong River Valley Tourism Board (SRVTB) has been hard at work over the past couple years. The Valley is booming with activity. New businesses are being formed all the time, and tourism has grown substantially. Their tagline “Visit The Valley” has gotten a lot of play, and many Valleyans use the term to encourage people to visit. But, the SRVTB plans to really put their foot on the gas and continue the momentum. They’re launching a new advertising campaign called “You might wanna visit The Valley if…”

SRVTB spokesperson Judy Strong said, “We’re always looking for new and creative ways to attract tourists to The Valley. We have a lot to offer, and we want to continue to get the word out. Our board has been brainstorming, and a member came up with the idea of “You might wanna visit The Valley if… The idea came from Jeff Foxworthy’s “You might be a redneck if…” shtick. We plan to highlight all the great things The Valley has to offer with this campaign. We think it’ll do well, and bring even more notoriety to The Valley.”

Great ad campaigns generally have a great pitchman/pitchwoman. People like Flo with Progressive Insurance and Billy Mays (RIP) with OxyClean come to mind. Strong said, “We had a great idea, but we needed a pitchman. Someone threw out Ricky Waters name, and everyone immediately smiled. Ricky has a successful outfitters company in Valley City that does river tubing, canoeing, and more, and he absolutely loves the Strong River and The Valley. Plus, he’s as crazy as loon, he loves to talk, and he’s handsome. So, the board thought he’d be the perfect pitchman for the campaign. We contacted him, and he said he’d love to take on the roll of pitchman.”

You Might Wanna Visit The Valley If… Intro Video

The ad campaign plans to feature Waters aka Ricky from The Valley highlighting the attractions, outdoors, restaurants, shopping, and more. The SRVTB plans to place ads in multiple channels including social media, tv, newspaper, Spotify, YouTube and more. Ads will be placed across Mississippi and the Southeast. Ricky from The Valley will highlight the great food of The Valley. Strong said, “You gotta start with our great food right? You’ll soon see Ricky bragging on our wonderful food and restaurants.”

The SRVTB has high hopes for the ad campaign. It will interesting to see if Ricky from The Valley takes off or not. Whether we like him or not, we’re about to see a lot of him.

by “Stretch” DeTrooth

There are some iconic sporting events in May including the Kentucky Derby and Indianapolis 500, and I think you can add the Strong River Valley (SRV) Pickleball Open to that list now. This event has grown substantially over the first 3 years of the tournament. This year’s tournament was a big event for The Valley. It had a football-like atmosphere; people were tailgating in the parking lot beforehand. Over 60 players participated in the tournament, and there were over 500 spectators for the finals. Valleyans are in love with pickleball.

The women’s favorite, Mary Grace Evert, was injured, so she wasn’t able to play in the tournament. So, that opened up the door to Valleyan and fan favorite, Veanus Vanderford. She breezed through the draw, but she had a battle in the finals from young upstart, Steffi Seles. Seles, a Madison native and BMW owner, has really burst on the scene this year, and she’s currently ranked #5 in the MS Women’s Pickleball rankings. Vanderford’s experience really paid off late in the match, and she pulled it out in a close one. There was a lot of tension between Vanderford’s fans and the Madisonians backing Seles, but things didn’t get out of hand. There’s always tension between the Valleyans and the city slickers from Jackson and Madison.

Vanderford and her partner, Sarena Smith, just dominated the women’s doubles draw. They breezed to the finals and won easily. The men’s doubles final was a must watch match. It was a rematch of last year’s final- Johnny McEnroe and Steve Edberg vs. Ethan Burnham and Owen Patrick. Burnham and Patrick are from Strong River Bend, and they brought a big contingent of raucous fans. The attorneys from Madison, McEnroe and Edberg, seemed unfazed by the crowd. But, things got tight toward the end of the match. Burnham and Patrick made a furious comeback, and tied things up late. The crowd was going nuts. But, McEnroe and Edberg managed to pull it out it in the end in a thriller.

The drama this year was in the men’s senior division. The women’s and men’s senior division was new this year, and it was for players age 65 plus. Jimmy Laver was the favorite in the men’s senior division. Laver plays an aggressive fiery style, and he rubs a lot of people the wrong way. He breezed to the final without ever cracking a smile. He faced Billy Tilden in the final. Tilden is a nice guy that loves to talk to the crowd and his opponents. He started talking to Laver before the match, but Laver ignored him. Tilden continued to talk throughout the match, and you could see that it was bothering Laver. Laver led a close match late, but he made an error on an easy smash. Tilden made a comment, and Laver just lost it. He starting cursing Tilden, and he told him to shut up and not say another word. The fans were taken aback with Laver’s outburst. Tilden ended up winning in a big upset. Laver was so mad after the match that he stormed off the court, and he didn’t shake Tilden’s hand after the match. The fans booed Laver, and he turned around and gave them the middle finger.

Tilden said, “Look, I wasn’t trying to get under his skin initially. I like to talk, so I just talk to everybody. But, Jimmy just ignored me from the start. That kind of made me mad, but I didn’t show it. I just kept talking and kept playing. I didn’t know it, but Jimmy was like a volcano. And, when he missed that smash, he erupted, and it was over after that. I really got in his head. He’s gonna have to learn to deal with my talking. And come on man, you gotta shake my hand. That was pretty lame.”

This tournament was so much fun to cover, and I can’t wait until next year. It’ll continue to grow, and it’s a great event for The Valley.

by “Stretch” DeTrooth

Select or travel sports has really taken off over the past 5-10 years. In The Valley, baseball and softball have seen the most growth, but soccer and volleyball have seen significant growth recently as well. Jimmy Sexxton had 2 sons that played select baseball, so he’s seen how the sausage is made. He felt his sons’ teams and other select teams had trouble finding talent, and many times coaches had difficulties finding players that were the right fit for their teams. So, Sexxton has started Ascend Sports, a select sports analytics, information, and scouting firm, to serve Valley youth select/travel sports markets.

Sexxton said, “We’ll start with baseball and softball because that’s where I have the most knowledge and connections, but we plan to broaden out to soccer, volleyball, and more in the future. Ascend has been collecting data from players across the Valley and MS to build a huge database. The database will be able to be sorted by sport, and it will be able to be narrowed down from there. Data is king, and that’s going to be our calling card. We’re going to have the best data for coaches and parents so they can make the best decisions for their teams and kids. We’ll allow parents to upload data, but that data will be verified.”

Select/travel sports is big business now, and Sexxton felt analytics, information, and scouting was the next frontier in the business. Ascend plans to have a trove of data on players including position/s, left or right handed, batting average, slugging percentage, speed rating, etc. Additionally, Ascend plans to rate kids’ parents as well to give prospective coaches some info about the parents. Sexxton said, “If you’re looking to add a kid, you want to know about their parents. A crazy mom or dad can ruin the chemistry of a team. So, I think this is something that will really set us apart.”

Sexxton has a plan for revenue for Ascend. He said, “Right now, we’ll have multiple streams of revenue. Parents will pay a monthly subscription fee to have their kid’s profile on our website. If a parent wants to upload videos, the fee will be higher. Also, we’ll be like a stats dashboard for players. Kids that brag about their batting average will be able to show their buddies their average on our site/app. Also, we’ll collect search fees from teams when they’re looking for a player or coach. Additionally, we’ll run ads on our site. I’m confident the subscription fees from parents will be the big driver of revenue at the beginning, but that could change over time.”

Coaches will not just have access to the player data, Ascend will also conduct parent interviews for an additional fee. So, a parent interview can provide important information for a coach when he’s looking for a certain player. Ascend’s data will allow coaches to really drill down and get a player with a specific skillset.

Sexxton said, “If a 9U baseball coach is looking for a power hitting right fielder with good speed, we’ll be able to find him. If a 12U softball coach is looking for a left-handed pitcher with a good rise ball, we’ll be able to find her. If a 12U baseball coach is looking for a right-handed middle reliever with a good slider, we’ll be able to find him.”

Ascend will also provide recreation (rec) baseball/softball scouting. Sexxton said, “It seems like all kids are playing select, but there are still some good players that play rec ball only. We’ll have scouts that will hopefully find diamonds in the rough in rec leagues. Coaches will be able to have access to a rec player database for a small fee as well.”

Finally, Ascend will also have a “Pickup” wire on their site/app. So, if a coach knows he’s going to need a player in 4 weeks, the wire will show him available players for that time. This will give coaches the ability to plan ahead (for a small fee) and pickup good quality players when they need them.

Sexxton said, “I feel Ascend will do well, and I feel it will be a huge asset to parents and coaches in the select sports world. We’ll start by serving the parents and coaches of The Valley, but we hope to quickly expand to the whole state. We’re only getting started, and the future looks bright.”

by B. S. Ryter

I recently wrote a story about Eggcellent Security, a Valley egg security firm. With egg prices going down significantly recently, Eggcellent’s business has suffered a great deal. The firm had to lay off over 50% of their employees, and times have been tough for the firm. But, a new opportunity has risen for the firm, and they have taken advantage of it.

Bill Broody, the firm’s owner, has done a 180 with their business in the past couple months. Broody said, “Well, if I wanted my company to stay afloat, I had to make some changes. Luckily for us, crazy people started vandalizing Tesla cars. There’s always an opportunity for someone during difficult times, and we’ve switched gears literally to start serving Tesla car owners. This line of work could eventually slack off too, but we’ll take it while we got it.”

Broody saw Tesla owners asking for help to guard and protect their vehicles on social media. He offered his services in multiple Facebook groups and other forums, and Tesla owners gladly took him up on the offer. The local Tesla store also hired his firm to guard their vehicles at night. Broody said, “Elon is trying to help save our country with DOGE, and he is indirectly helping to save my company. We’re back on our feet, and I’ve been able to hire just about all my guys back. Thanks crazy far leftists and Elon!”

Broody’s has rebranded his firm from Eggcellent Security to Tesla Guard. Business has been really good since the shift. His firm collects a fee through an app for every vehicle they protect, and the fees can vary depending on the location. The business has totally shifted from rural areas to urban areas, and the client demographics have shifted dramatically too. Broody said, “Instead of my guys spending time on farms, they’re now spending time at Whole Foods, Costco, and Starbucks. Our clients now lean much more to the left politically, but that’s ok. We’ll take their money too.”

NEW LOGO OLD LOGO

A Tesla Guard client said, “My Tesla got keyed at a coffee shop, and I got it fixed. I was so worried about it happening again, but I don’t have to worry about it now. Tesla Guard has got me covered.”

A Tesla Guard employee said, “I felt much more at home working out in the country on farms, but that work dried up. So, we gotta go where the work is. I ain’t crazy about most of our new clients. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a Tesla; you couldn’t pay me to drive one. But, they are paying our bills now, so we gotta do what we gotta do.”

The crazies will probably back off once Elon gets back to work with Tesla and is in the spotlight less. So, Tesla Guard’s business will likely slow down in the coming months like it did when they were in the egg security business. But, you gotta get it while the getting is good.

by Emma Embellischer

There are over 250 million Facebook users in the U.S., and the average user spends over 30 minutes per day on the app. Different features of Facebook have gained a lot of traction over the past few years including Facebook Marketplace, stories, reels, etc. One area that has grown substantially is Facebook groups, and one type of group that many people love and hate is city or town groups. Most cities and towns have groups that allow people to share info and news about their towns or cities. It’s a great way to get pertinent information out quickly; it sure beats the newspaper these days.

There is also a downside to these city/town groups. You can get posts about wondering pets, complaints about people or businesses, sales pitches, and more. Also, people can be downright rude and mean in these groups; common courtesy and decency goes out the window in some of these groups. A Valley City resident has gotten tired of the negativity, and he/she has formed a new Facebook group called Let’s Talk Valley City+.

The group creator has remained anonymous, but the creator made a post about the genesis of the new group. He/she posted, “The Let’s Talk Valley City and Genuine Valley City groups have gotten out of control, so it was time to create a new group. This new group’s purpose is to share news and info about Valley City in an encouraging and positive environment. Negativity and criticism will not be tolerated. The + symbol at the end of Let’s Talk Valley City+ stands for Positive. So, let’s make this group a safe space to share uplifting and encouraging news about our great town.”

A great feature about Facebook groups is that the creator/administrator gets to choose who they allow to join their group. Let’s Talk Valley City+ evidently let anyone and everyone in the group initially to grow the group, and that didn’t get the group off on the right foot. It didn’t take long for negativity to enter the group. A screenshot of one of the first posts in the group was sent to me, and you can see it below.

One group member posted, “I thought this group was going to different, but it looks to be more of the same crap. It’s a little depressing to be honest. SMH! Another group member said, “What is wrong with you moreons?! This group is suppozed to be a safe space for possitive and uplifting posts! We can’t have nothing nice no more!”

People tend to be more critical and harsh on social media, and it’s very unfortunate. It tends to bring out the worst in people when they know they won’t have to see people face-to-face. Hopefully, Let’s Talk Valley City+ can get rid of these negative Nancys and uphold the group’s purpose and mission, but time will tell.

by Carl “Bull” Crapper

Johnny Riverrat had a long week at work last week. After leaving work Friday afternoon, he headed down to the Strong River for some solitude, fishing, and drinking a cold beer or two (or four). Riverrat had done this many times before; it’s his way of decompressing from the stress of work. But, he never dreamt of what he’d discover last Friday.

Riverrat said, “I was sitting there on a 5 gallon bucket, and I’d only made 3-4 casts. I hadn’t even cracked open my first cold beer yet. I heard something moving on the bank opposite of me, but I didn’t see anything at first. I kept my eye over there, and then I saw it’s head sticking out the water. I said something that I can’t repeat. I knew that thing was huge, and I just kept watching it for a couple minutes. It slithered up on a log, and I about fell out. I just couldn’t believe my eyes.”

Riverrat called his uncle, Willie Strong, and his cousin, Billy Strong, about the snake, and he told them to meet him at the river asap and to bring a rifle. Willie and Billy arrived at the river about 10 minutes later, and the snake had not moved. Willie said, “My jaws just about hit the river bank when I saw that thing; I thought I was hallucinating. It took me a minute to get my bearings, but I zeroed in on him and took a shot. I got him right between the eyes, and the great thing is that he didn’t fall off the log. If he would’ve fell off, I don’t think I could’ve went in that water after him.”

It took all the 3 men to get the snake off the log and onto the river bank. They then carried it to the Strong’s side by side, and they drove it back to Willie Strong’s house. Riverrat said, “I told Willie and Billy that thing had to be an anaconda. There ain’t a snake around here that big. I got no idea how it got in the Strong River, but it’s probably an anaconda.”

Riverrat called a game warden, and after he arrived, he called a herpetologist, Eve Apple, with the US Fish & Wildlife Service. Apple examined the snake, and she also took a couple blood samples. Riverrat and the Strongs weighed and measured the snake as well. It measured 16′ 2″, and it weighed in at 188 lbs. Apple said, “I’ve seen some snakes similar to this one in the Everglades; I’ve gone python hunting down there a few times. But, I knew this one was not a python; it had different markings and looked different.”

Apple got the results of the blood work back yesterday, and she was shocked. She said, “I couldn’t believe it! This snake was a python/anaconda hybrid. This will give me nightmares, and how the heck did this snake get to MS in the Strong River? That is the million dollar question. I’m sure it has to do with climate change.”

Riverrat said, “This is crazy man. I never in a million years thought I’d find something like this in the little ole Strong River. Now, I wonder if it’s the only one. I’m scared to get in the river now. Also, I wonder if that thing ate my dog Skippy. Skippy just came up missing about 3 weeks ago, and no one has seen him. I wouldn’t be surprised if the pyconda got him.”

This is something that Riverrat and the Strongs will never forget, and the pyconda will live on in Valley lore for generations. Are there more? We shall see.

by Ben BeEssen

The news business can be a grind. Yours truly and the SRVO do our very best to report the news of The Valley. We try to be unbiased and shoot it to you straight. In a slow sleepy place like the Strong River Valley, we sometimes have to really work and get creative to generate a story. We do what we can with the limited resources we have.

However, the past couple weeks have been great for the SRVO. We unexpectedly received shout outs from President Trump and Joe Rogan. Videos of the endorsements are below. We are on cloud nine at the SRVO headquarters! Our hard work is finally paying off.

Who will be next? Elon Musk? Snoop Dog? Joe Biden?

Although we welcome endorsements from public figures and celebrities, our main focus is reporting the news of the Strong River Valley. We’ll continue to report the news, and if more endorsements come, so be it.

by I. B. Lyon

Turkey season is coming to a close soon. It has been a good season in The Valley. The turkey population seems to be healthy and doing well, and many Valleyans have harvested nice birds. However, turkey hunters trespassing onto landowner’s property continues to be an issue in The Valley and across the state. Many people have forgotten about the Turkey Trespassing Task Force (TTTF) that was formed last year until now.

I was able to catch up with the Director of the TTTF, Tirk Longbeard. He said, “We’d been getting reports from landowners in the Strong River Bend (SRB) area about turkey hunters trespassing on a few landowners’ property. Recently, a couple landowners told us that it was happening on a daily basis, and they were fed up with it. So, we decided to setup a sting operation to catch the perps.”

Longbeard and his crew setup multiple agents on two different properties. The agents camped overnight to be ready for the hunters the next morning. Both properties did indeed have trespassers. Longbeard said, “We let the hunters get deep into the woods past their entry point, because we didn’t want them to have an easy escape. We had agents at multiple suspected hunting spots to keep eyes on the hunters, and our strategy paid off.”

The first hunter was arrested as he was walking back out of the woods after an unsuccessful hunt. Two agents were waiting for him, and they arrested him without incident. The second hunter was arrested after killing a turkey. Longbeard said, “Our agents had actually lost eye contact with this hunter, but they were able to easily find him after he fired his gun to shoot a nice gobbler.”

I was able to get to talk with Tom Yelper, the hunter that was arrested after a successful hunt. Yelper said, “Yep, they got me. I’ve been going on that property for years without permission, and it finally caught up with me. It really sucks that they took my bird though. That was the best turkey I’ve ever killed. I didn’t even get a picture with him. I’m just glad I won’t have to spend time in jail.”

Both hunters will avoid jail time, but both will have to pay a $5,000 fine. And, their picture will be on a billboard to warn other hunters about trespassing. Longbeard said, “We haven’t made any waves this year until now. This sting will hopefully remind hunters that we’re still here and we mean business. It’s pretty simple. Don’t trespass, and you won’t have anything to worry about.”

by Heeza de Seaver

The Annual Valley City Easter Egg Hunt is a big draw each year. In addition to the egg hunt, they have a petting zoo, face painting, and more. It normally draws close to 100 kids from around The Valley, and this year was no different. They have 3 age divisions: 1-3, 4-7, and 8-10. Everyone was having a good time, and things were going well until the age 8-10 division kicked off.

Karen Moochar brought her 3 kids to the event, and her two sons participated in the 8-10 age division. Evidently, her sons took the hunt very seriously. One mom said, “Karen’s sons were super aggressive from the word go. Her oldest son knocked my little 8 year old girl down when they were both going for an egg. I didn’t say anything, but I can promise you I wanted to. It just kept getting worse, and I called my daughter over and we left. I didn’t want her getting hurt over a dumb Easter egg hunt.”

Another mom said, “You know Karen never pays for anything. I guess she didn’t want to have to buy her kids Easter candy. She must’ve told them that if they wanted candy it was up to them to get it. They were running around like feral kids getting as many eggs as possible, and they were being super rough. It was just too much. I’m glad my kids weren’t in that age division.”

Parents were tolerating the Moochar boys until they started stealing eggs that had already been collected by other kids. Jane Mamabehr watched the Moochar boys, and she lost it when the oldest stole a few of her daughter’s eggs. According to multiple witnesses, Mamabehr marched over and grabbed the oldest Moochar boy by the shirt, and she demanded that he give the eggs back to her daughter. One witness said, “Jane told the boy to give the eggs back, and he told her no. That didn’t sit too well with Jane. She’d had enough, and it was on like Donkey Kong!”

Moochar saw what happened, but she didn’t do anything about it. Mamabehr walked over to Moochar, and she demanded that her son give the eggs back to her daughter. Another witness said, “Things escalated pretty quickly. Within seconds, they were nose to nose, and they were yelling at each other. Jane then pushed Karen, and Karen pushed her back. Then, the fit hit the shan, and they were both rolling around on the ground. I loved every second of it to be honest. I hate I didn’t video it.”

The police were called, and the scuffle had stopped by the time they arrived. Both women were pointed out by witnesses, and the officer gathered the two ladies together. I was able to get a statement from the police department. A spokesperson said, “No charges were filed. It’s unfortunate two grown adults were involved in altercation like this at a community event. The two ladies involved reconciled their differences, and they hugged it out. They also apologized to each other and many of the people at the event.”

It’s always great when the community comes together for an event, but it’s unfortunate that only a couple people can ruin it for everyone. This Easter egg hunt will definitely be remembered. It was great that the ladies worked things out. The event organizers said security will be at the event each year going forward.

by Ben BeEssen

Municipal primary elections were held on April 1st. The elections in Valley County and Strong River Bend (SRB) were rather uneventful. The elections in SRB went as planned. All the incumbents won, and there was no drama. That has since changed. The Alderman at Large Democratic primary election is now being challenged.

Bennie Schiff has been the Alderman at Large for 3 terms now. His constituents love him, and he won his latest primary by a wide margin (98-3). However, his primary challenger, Hillary Harris, is challenging his election. Her claim is that Schiff doesn’t actually live in the SRB city limits the majority of the time.

Harris said, “We all know that Mr. Schiff’s house is right on the city limits line. This was hashed out when he was initially elected. However, I’ve discovered that he actually spends the majority of his time in his shop or “man cave” which is not inside the city limits. I have multiple female sources that have intimate knowledge of this, so I feel I have a legitimate basis to challenge this election.”

I was able to reach Schiff for comment. He said, “This is so ridiculous. Harris is just a sore loser. 98-3. Come on man! She looked at the scoreboard, and she couldn’t take it. Everyone tried to warn her that she didn’t have a chance. Yes, I spend a good bit of time in my man cave, but I sleep in my room in the house. Mrs. Schiff and I haven’t slept in the same room for years, because she can’t take my snoring. I don’t sleep in the man cave. This challenge is a bunch of bull, and it should be thrown out.”

The SRB City Council has called an emergency meeting this evening at 6:00 pm to settle the matter. The SRVO will be there, and we’ll let you know what happens. I was able to talk with some SRB residents about the challenge.

One resident said, “Hillary is just a sore loser, and she’s looking to get in on a technicality. I’d be interested to know who the 3 people are that voted for her. I bet she paid them off. This is just ridiculous, and it gives our wonderful little town a black eye.”

Another resident said, “Look, Bennie ain’t lilly white. He’s pretty crooked, but he’s helped me out a few times. This Harris lady is just crazy. Go home woman! You got destroyed. 98-3!”

The SRVO will keep you updated on this story, so stay tuned.