by Ben BeEssen

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve noticed a trend among homeowners in and around The Valley recently. Everyone is painting their brick houses white. It’s a very popular trend right now. You’re seeing it with new brick homes, and you’re seeing it with older brick homes. It seems like everyone wants a white house.

Valley Grove was one of the first subdivisions in Valley County. It was built about 15 years ago, and it’s still a nice neighborhood. All the homes are brick, and every home in the neighborhood has been painted white except one. Gary Plaine has managed to stand out by doing nothing. Plaine has refused to paint his house.

Plaine said, “I know my house sticks out like a sore thumb, but I really don’t care. My red brick looks great; there’s no need to paint over it. Why spend thousands to paint over some pretty red brick? I don’t get it. I can hear my mom now. If everyone jumped off a bridge? Would you jump off too? Mom would be proud. I haven’t jumped.”

Plaine is not happy because he was recently fined by the Valley Grove HOA for not being compliant with their policy of uniformity. The HOA fined him $100 for his home not being “uniform.” Plaine said, “My house was uniform when it was built. I didn’t change anything. Everybody else changed and painted their stupid houses white. I’m not paying a dime to the HOA. I guess everyone should pitch in a few dollars to pay my fine, because they caused me to be fined.”

One Valley Grove resident said, “Gary is a good guy, but he’s always been a contrarian. I went to high school with him. Us guys grew our hair long, but Gary kept his short. We all started wearing long shorts, but Gary kept his short shorts. That’s just how he is.”

Another Valley Grove resident said, “Gary needs to paint his house. I’m not gonna say it’s an eyesore, but it sure stands out. He’s complained about how no one talks to him or invites him over anymore. Well, just paint your dang house Gary and maybe people will start being nice to you again.”

Plaine added, “One positive is that my house is easy to identify. I tell delivery drivers and others to just come to the only red brick house in the neighborhood. It’s easy to find.”

Trends come and go. Who knows? Plaine’s red brick may come back in vogue soon, and he could be hip and trendy. Maybe he’d paint his house white then. We’ll see.

by Ben BeEssen

The Strong River Valley Technology Institute (SRVTI) is back at again! Their first act was creating the Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cake Tracker site, and it’s helped a lot of people locate their favorite Christmas treats. Their second project should help a lot of deer hunting widows during hunting season.

Deer hunting is a way of life for many Valleyans. Many men spend their weekends at the deer camp during hunting season. So, many wives have a hard time getting projects done around the house during hunting season. It can be a big point of contention between many married couples. So, the SRVTI set out to help these deer hunting widows.

A SRVTI spokesperson said, “One of our members said his wife was not happy with him because he’s been deer hunting quite a bit. Well, there’s an issue that the SRVTI can solve. We set out to create a tool to help deer hunting widows. The site allows women to rent a husband by the day. It’s really just a site to find a handyman, and it’s a pretty neat tool.”

RENT A HUSBAND SITE

The site allows users to search for handymen based on their skills, cost, and more. It has a picture and quote for each handyman. It promises to be a very useful tool for deer hunting widows during hunting season. It also allows wives to list their husbands on the site to make extra money. Keep in mind, these handymen cannot be rented or hired by the night or by the hour if you know what I mean.

by I. B. Lyon

Christmas is going to be mild in The Valley this year. It’s going to be one of those crazy Christmases where we’ll be wearing shorts and running the a/c. We all know this will become more common because of climate change. A Valley Santa Claus has used this mild Christmas weather to make some extra money in a unique way.

Many people in The Valley are going to spend Christmas in and around their swimming pools. We rarely get weather this mild around Christmas, so many Valleyans are using it to to spend time outside with their families around the pool. Nick Jolly saw an opportunity with this crazy Christmas weather.

Jolly is a plumber by trade, but he’s always looking for a side hustle to make extra money. Jolly said, “I got 4 young kids and a wife that likes to spend money, so I’m always looking for a good side hustle. I knew the weather was going to be warm this year, and I saw people on Facebook talking about spending Christmas outside by their pools. A light bulb went on in my head. I can dress up like Santa and wear a Speedo, and I can charge a fee to show up at Christmas gatherings for pictures. I didn’t expect much, but I’ve got 12 bookings. I still have a few time slots open- $100 each for 15 minutes.”

Jolly has never dressed as Santa, but he’s embraced it. Jolly said, “I’ve been working on my Santa gut for about 20 years, and I started growing out my beard last year. I’m going to have to dye it, but that’s ok. I had to buy a Speedo. This ain’t Europe, so us dudes don’t normally wear Speedos around here. They’re calling me Speedo Santa, so I’m gonna roll with it!”

Jolly understands that this gig probably won’t be available each year. Jolly said, “It ain’t gonna be this warm every Christmas, so this gig won’t be an option each year. But, I’m gonna take advantage of while I can. Who knows? Maybe I can charge more if the weather is colder in the future. I’m not sure I can handle cold weather in a Speedo, but I guess I can bring my coveralls.”

I was able to speak to one of Jolly’s customers, and she’s excited. She said, “I’m so pumped that Speedo Santa is coming to see us. It’s gonna be a surprise; I’m the only one that knows he’s coming. I can’t wait to see everyone’s reaction when he takes off his suit. I’m even paying him an extra $50 to jump into the pool. We’re going to have some great memorable Christmas pics this year!”

by “Stretch” DeTrooth

Strong River Bend (SRB) High School loves its football and baseball programs. They have a history of good teams in both sports, and they’ve won multiple state championships in both sports. Many people in the community were surprised when they started boys’ and girls’ soccer programs a couple years ago. SRB is a rural town that has never had a youth soccer program, so most residents know very little about soccer.

The first couple years for the boys’ soccer team were pretty tough. They won only one game their first year, and they won three games last year. Their coach for the first two years moved onto another school, so they had to hire a new coach. They were able to get Valley County native, Woody Bryant, to coach the team on a volunteer basis. Coach Bryant coached high school football in central MS for years, and he won four state championships. He’s a legend in the The Valley. He was known for being a tough hard-nosed coach, and he’s tried to instill this into SRB’s soccer team.

Coach Bryant said, “I didn’t know anything about soccer, and I still don’t know a whole lot. I watched a few YouTube videos and read a few articles. I realized soccer is a pretty physical sport, so I knew I needed to recruit some football players to play. Luckily for me, the football team had a down year this year, so I was able to get the football players out pretty early for soccer. My mantra with the boys is to play physical and aggressive. I told them that we were going to play physical and aggressive, and we did that. But, we might’ve gone a little overboard.”

Coach Bryant’s team had only lost one game, and it was against a much larger school. They may have lost that game, but they won the fight. Multiple SRB players were ejected for fighting in that game. They knocked out at least two players on every team they played against. They knocked out six players against one team, and that team had to finish the game with only 8 players. The next team on their schedule refused to play them after this game. Word got around that you better figuratively buckle up your chin straps when you play SRB, and word also got around to the Valley County School District office and the MHSAA about their rough and reckless play.

After multiple coaches and parents complained to the school district office and MHSAA, both entities looked into the matter. After as short investigation, a decision was made to put the SRB boys’ soccer program on probation for the remainder of the season and cancel their remaining games.

SRB principal Dr. Richard Belding said, “Coach Bryant is a legend in the area, and we appreciate his willingness to coach the program. But, I think he forgot what sport he was coaching. We just couldn’t continue the way things were going, so we felt we had no choice but to cancel the remainder of the season. I hate it for our players, but we felt we had no choice.”

Coach Bryant laughed, “My soccer coaching career didn’t last very long, but it was fun while it lasted. Everybody is so soft these days. I probably couldn’t make it coaching football either today. Well, I guess I’ll get back to deer hunting. That’s one thing I didn’t like about this soccer; it interfered with my hunting. I don’t have to worry about that now.”

by Offe Hisczrocher

The Valley County Baptist Association (VCBA) hosts a Christmas open house each year. They use it as a way to bring awareness to their various mission projects, and they also use it as a fundraiser for less fortunate families for Christmas. Attendance has been dropping the past few years, so they decided to spice things up this year to hopefully bring in more Valleyans. They decided to do a Little Debbie Christmas tree cake eating contest with the pastors of the county this Tuesday night.

They did a good job of promoting the event and especially the Christmas tree cake eating contest. They ended up having a huge crowd. There were 7 pastors that competed in the contest, and each pastor had a contingent from his church there cheering him on. So, it was a fun and exciting atmosphere similar to a ball game. The VCBA building was jam packed, and many people had to stand to watch the contest.

VCBA Missions Director Chuck Spurgeon said, “This idea was raised by one of our pastors, and I thought he was crazy. A few other pastors thought it was a good idea, so I agreed to give it a try. We didn’t charge an admission fee, but we encouraged donations. I’m glad we did it, because we raised more money than any of our previous open houses. It was a big hit. I guess we’ll make it an annual event.”

The rules for the contest were simple- eat as many Christmas tree cakes as possible in 15 minutes. They could also use as much liquid as needed. There was a timer in front of the pastors, and there was a timer behind the pastors for the crowd to see. As a precaution, medical personnel were on site in case of a choking, blood sugar, or other medical emergency.

Most people in attendance thought Bro. Jim Swaggart from Riverbend Baptist Church would win the contest. He’s a big burly guy that is a few pounds overweight. He got off to a hot start, and he had downed 10 cakes before you could blink. He ended up hitting a wall around the 5 minute mark though. Bro. Bill Graham with 2nd Baptist Church of Valley City started out strong as well, and he had a big cheering section there cheering him on. Bro. Graham is a diabetic, and he could be seen messing with his insulin pump during the contest.

No one would’ve picked Bro. Stevie Fertick with Ascent Church to win the contest. He’s in shape and looks like a personal trainer or model. He has a fade haircut and a perfectly groomed beard, and he wears nice stylish clothes with sneakers. Bro. Fertick had the best strategy. He had a steady deliberate pace from the jump, and it paid off. He ended up winning the contest by eating 49 Christmas tree cakes in 15 minutes. Bro. Ricky Warren finished 2nd with 42, and Bro. Kenny Copeland finished 3rd with 41.

Missions Director Spurgeon said, “This ended up being a great event for us. We ended up raising over $5,000 to help with local families for Christmas. That’s the most we’ve ever raised by far, so we’ll definitely be doing the Christmas tree eating contest going forward. We plan to livestream it next year. Hopefully, the pastors will be doing a detox over the next few days. God is good!”

by Heeza De Seaver

If you’ve been around kids lately, especially boys, then you’ve heard them say 6-7.  I hear it every day from my 9 year old son. 6-7 became a viral meme on TikTok, and it originated from a rap song by Skrilla.  Now, kids say it all the time for no reason at all, and it’s gotten to be a little ridiculous.  God forbid, you have to say the numbers 6 and 7 together, or if you just say 6.  If you’re around young boys, you know what’s coming next, 6-7.  This incessant 6-7ing contributed to an unfortunate incident this week in Valley City.

The Six Oaks subdivision in Valley City is a nice quiet neighborhood.  It was developed about 3 years ago, and it’s probably the nicest neighborhood in Valley City.  It’s full of young couples with young kids.  You’ll see kids playing outside and riding their bikes around the neighborhood like the good ole days.  Things got interesting Tuesday night in Six Oaks though, and the police were called to the neighborhood around 7:00 pm.  Multiple people called the police after hearing yelling and cursing at 67 Six Oaks Dr.  A large fire in the backyard of the residence was also reported to the police.

A police spokesperson said, “A couple of our officers arrived on the scene around 7:05 pm.  The homeowner, a male in his late 30s, was outside the home when the officers arrived.  The homeowner informed the officers about what happened, and he apologized for losing his cool.  The officers checked on all the residents in the home, and they briefly questioned the wife.  Everyone was fine.  The officers asked him to extinguish the fire in the backyard, and he agreed to do so.  No charges were filed.”

The homeowner and suspect was Will Wraige.  Wraige said, “Look, I just lost it.  I take my boys to school every morning, and they were 6-7ing the whole ride to school this morning.  I had a really bad day at work.  My wife and I got into an argument this afternoon too.  I picked my boys up from school, and they were still 6-7ing.  When I drove into our neighborhood, someone had spray painted a 7 next to Six on the neighborhood sign.  Next, I sat on the john when I got home, and we were out of toilet paper. Then, my wife burnt our supper.  The boys were still 6-7ing after supper, and I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

Wraige began to gather his sons’ toys into a pile in the backyard.  He poured gas on the toys, and he set them on fire in his backyard.  His wife and kids were hysterical.  Will was yelling and cursing.  Neighbors heard the disturbance, and called the police.  Fortunately, no one was harmed during the ordeal.  

Wraige said, “I’m so sorry to my wife and kids, and I’m really embarrassed by my behavior.  It was on our neighborhood Facebook group, so everyone knows I went nuts.  It’s pretty embarrassing.  In addition to the police showing up, two fire trucks came too. Everyone in the neighborhood was outside to see what was going on. And, now I have to spend a lot more money on Christmas gifts this year because I lost my mind.  But, I scared my boys so bad that they haven’t said 6-7 around me since then.  I guess that’s one good thing that came from it.”

Hopefully, this 6-7 nonsense will stop soon.  I’m sure another annoying trend will take its place.  Maybe Trump should’ve banned Tiktok.  Maybe western civilization will survive.  We’ll see.

by Emma Embellischer

The Strong River Valley Technology Institute (SRVTI) had their first meeting last night, and they wasted no time getting to work. The SRVTI promised to improve the lives of Valleyans, and their first project will definitely do that. Also, it’s a very timely tool for the Christmas season.

Everyone loves Little Debbie Christmas tree cakes, but they can be very difficult to find. I’ve tried to buy them multiple times at Dollar General recently, but they’ve been sold out. Now, I’ll be able to find them anywhere in Mississippi. The SRVTI created a website to track inventory of Little Debbie Christmas tree cake boxes at stores across the state.

LITTLE DEBBIE CHRISTMAS TREE CAKE TRACKER SITE

Do you want to know if Kroger or Dollar General have any before you leave the house? Now, you can check on the website before leaving your house and wasting your time and gas.

A SRVTI spokesperson said, “A SRVTI member brought some Little Debbie Christmas tree cakes to our meeting last night. Another member complained that he could never find any at his local grocery store. So, we had a problem to solve right off the bat. We were done in less than an hour with this site. We hope it helps Valleyans find one of their favorite Christmas treats.”

by Emma Embellischer

The Strong River Valley is much different than Silicon Valley in California. Most people have never heard of the Strong River Valley, but I’ll take our catfish and sweet tea over Silicon Valley’s lattes and avocado toast any day of the week. We’re definitely not on the cutting edge of technology like they are in Silicon Valley. But, things are changing in The Valley and in Mississippi. Our governor and our legislature are determined to make Mississippi a tech hub. We’ve had multiple announcements lately about new data centers coming to our great state, and there are other exciting tech related things happening in the state as well.

The SRVO doesn’t want to sit idly by while all this tech innovation is happening in our state and region. So, we’ve created a tech incubator called the Strong River Valley Technology Institute (SRVTI) to encourage Valleyans to participate in the current AI tech revolution. The SRVTI will be a collaboration of software engineers, developers, coders, and more, and they’ll meet every Tuesday night in a vacant office at the SRVO’s headquarters.

The SRVTI’s goal is to create technology that improves the quality of the life of Valleyans. The SRVTI’s motto is simple: Collaborate, Innovate, and Create. Valley tech entrepreneur, Bill Ballmer, has been chosen to be the Director of the SRVTI, and the SRVTI’s initial meeting is tonight.

Ballmer said, “I’m so excited about the SRVTI. I’ve got 4 engineers and developers coming to the meeting tonight, and they’re ready to get after it. This is going to be something to benefit everyone in The Valley, and we plan to make some great stuff to help y’all. Keep an eye out for us! We’re gonna be creating some sweet stuff.”

The SRVTI plans to be coming out with at least one app or website by year end. They will be using AI, and they plan to do workshops to teach Valleyans how to use AI as well. Stay tuned! Ballmer and his guys have promised to do great things.

by Ima Phibber

Black Friday is here! It’s the most hectic day on the calendar. People flock to stores early for all the deals, and things can get crazy. It has calmed down in recent years because more people are avoiding the crowds and craziness and shopping online. You generally think of large national stores offering Black Friday deals, but many local businesses offer Black Friday deals as well. Julia’s on Main, a Valley City boutique, had multiple Black Friday sales, and things got interesting there this morning.

Julia’s on Main owner, Julia Kate Jones said, “I try to have Black Friday deals each year, and this year was no different. It’s always good to get a lot of people in the store, but never in my wildest dreams would I’ve thought things could have gotten this crazy. I’m not sure that I’ll do any Black Friday deals in the future; I don’t think it’s worth it.”

Jones promoted her new custom activewear line called Jujulime on social media for a few weeks leading up to Black Friday, and she was excited about premiering it on Black Friday. She had a good response, so she ordered a pretty sizable inventory of the new line. But, the early shoppers didn’t come for her new clothing line, they came for her Labubu dolls.

Jones said, “Recently, I watched a couple videos on Tiktok about how many people think Labubu dolls are evil. I started thinking about it, and I never really liked those ugly things. Plus, things haven’t gone very well since I started selling them; the vibes in the store have been off. So, I decided I was going to get rid of them. I did a couple posts on social media about having a 75% off sale on my Labubu dolls. That obviously was a mistake. People showed up about an hour before I opened. I didn’t know why those people were lined up so early, but I found out real quick when I opened the door.”

About 25 people were lined up outside before she opened. When she unlocked the door at 7:00 am, she was almost knocked down by the stampede of women. Jones added, “Those crazies made a beeline to the Labubu dolls. I put a 3 item limit on them, but one lady tried to buy 5. Two grandmas got into a shouting match. I go to church with both ladies, and I was shocked. They were not using Sunday school words. Two younger ladies both grabbed the same doll box, and they ripped it apart. The doll fell on the floor, and a scuffle ensued to grab the doll. I was just standing there with my mouth wide open.”

Jones said, “I was so excited about my new clothing line, Jujulime. It’s a great alternative to Lululemon, Vuori, and other high end activewear brands. It’s feel great, and it’s much more affordable. But, all the air was just let out of my balloon with the chaos. There were a few ladies looking at the Jujulime clothes, but they left when the chaos happened. One psycho lady knocked 2 of my clothing racks over trying to grab a Labubu. I couldn’t believe it.”

Jones considered calling the police, but she didn’t. The ladies eventually settled down after a few minutes. Jones added, “One good thing is that the Labubu dolls are gone. I guess I’ll have to hire security if I do Black Friday deals next year. People are just crazy. Anyways, y’all come check out my Jujulime line!”

by I. B. Lyon

It made national news on October 28th when a truck transporting rhesus monkeys had an accident on I-59 in Jasper County. The story captivated the people of central Mississippi for days because multiple monkeys escaped and were on the loose. Initially, authorities said there were 3 monkeys that had escaped, and supposedly the last “free” monkey was captured on November 1st. People joked on social media that there had to be more escaped monkeys, and they were right.

Strong River Bend (SRB) police were called to the Dollar General yesterday at approximately 5:30 pm. A shopper reported seeing another shopper walking throughout the store with a monkey on leash. The police arrived a few minutes later, and the shopper with the monkey was checking out. The officer asked the shopper to leave his items at the counter and to come outside the store. The officer questioned the individual and took him and the monkey into custody. Valley County Animal Control was called to get the monkey, and they arrived about 20 minutes later to handle the monkey.

The individual with the monkey was George Goodall. Goodall was initially charged with possession of an escaped lab monkey, but he was released after questioning. I was able to talk with Goodall, and his story is unbelievable.

Goodall said, “Let’s start from the beginning. My cousin lives in Jasper County close to where the wreck happened and the monkeys escaped. The next day, one of the monkeys showed up at his house. He said it looked scared and hungry, so he fed it. He called me because I’ve joked many times about having a monkey as an emotional support animal. I drove over to see the monkey, and we immediately formed a bond. I took him home with me, and I started training him to be an emotional support animal.”

Goodall added, “I didn’t plan to let anyone know, but he was doing so well. I got Kong potty trained, and he stopped being aggressive toward me and my dog. So, I needed to go to Dollar General to get some Little Debbie Christmas tree cakes and some sweet tea, and I decided I’d put him on a leash and bring him with me. I planned to get in and out quick so no one would put up a fuss, but I wasn’t able to do that. I’m worried about Kong. What are they gonna do with him? I know I don’t have a monkey permit or license, but I really want him back.”

One witness and Dollar General shopper said, “I had to do a double take when I saw the guy walking around with the monkey. I thought I was in a dream. The monkey was well-behaved, and he wasn’t making any noises. He did try to take some of the snacks, but the guy grabbed them and put them back. Then, the cops showed up, and they were gone. That’s just a normal day at Dollar General right?!”

Valley County Animal Control was planning to hold the monkey until authorities decide what to do with him. However, Kong escaped from the animal control specialist as he was transporting him from the vehicle to the animal control facility. So, Kong is on the loose again! Anyone who spots Kong is urged to call the Valley County Sheriff’s Dept. or the Valley County Animal Control office, and authorities are warning people to not approach Kong. Rhesus monkeys can be aggressive and dangerous.

Valley County Animal Control refused to provide a comment on the situation. The monkey saga is not over after all!